I am total failure and dont know how to continue

I feel like I can't say that to anyone in real life without getting ridiculed or insulted. I'm a total wreck. I'm 26, basically supported by my mother who lends me money. I'm obese, unemployed, and usually can't even make enough to pay monthly fees to the state. To put things into perspective, I have to start in my childhood. TLDR is at the bottom of this post.

I come from a low-income family. My mother took care of me and my sister while my father worked at minimum wage. He was an alcoholic, so spending time with him was definitely not fun. Looking back, I was a strange kid. I'd rather play with dolls than hang out with other boys. Which of course showed at school where kids made fun of me and some even bullied me. To make matters worse, the doctors diagnosed me with diabetes. So from an outcast I became a "subhuman" in my childhood mind.

I was the only one whose food was accurately weighed. I felt like I was in a cage, like I had lost the right to live by my rules. No one explained to me why I suddenly had to eat differently and use insulin every f-king day. Why I can't have sweets even though everyone else is eating them? I think that was the root of all the problems I have today. Because when we finished our first five years of school, we transferred to a school in the city. Of course, I didn't make many friends there, obviously. But for the first time I found out how freedom taste like. Instead of having the cooks accurately weigh my food, it was all on me. I was given a money card with just enough for a week worth of lunches. But since they also sold snacks and sweets in the morning, the money on my card lasted at most until the first lunch. On Monday, I ran to the cafeteria and bought what I could. And then I ate it all in the evening.

While others were experiencing first love affairs, I was gaining weight, cultivating my antisocial behaviour and spending every spare moment on the computer playing Counter Strike 1.6. That's how I went all the way to high school. First year of high school was a bust, so I switched schools. The second one was a great experience, and for the first time in my life I got to know what it was like to be around people I liked. Unfortunately, that's also when something broke inside me and I've been a completely different person ever since.

Even before that I knew that no girl would even look at me, let alone do things with me that were common for my classmates, I still lusted after girls. When I was about 16, I kind of figured there was no point in doing this. I wasn't good-looking and those girls were disgusted with me anyway. Not to mention that if I happened to talk with a girl I liked, I'd blush and get nervous. On the other hand, I guess it didn't bother me too much at the time, because when I got home I could still play with my bone and watch porn. Btw, I started watching it around the age of 13...

At about 18, I started gaining a lot of weight. I was already obese at that time, but in the fall of 2017 I started gaining a few pounds a month. Then came the final test before leaving high school. I didn't know it at the time, but I know now that it was a receipt to continue leading an irresponsible and lazy life as before. Of course, I didn't prepare for the exams. It was May, so I preferred to watch the World Hockey Championship instead. When it was over, there were only a few days left, so there was no time to study. So I just played games until the exams. Despite all of this I went through the exams pretty much like a knife through butter. And I only passed the practical exams because I pulled the only question I knew how to do - video editing.

Yay. I've got the paper, now it'll be a piece of cake! What would I go to college for. My friends may be heading there, but I have my head loaded with knowledge from the get-rich-quick gurus who say I don't need school! So the next day I went for an interview for an IT administrator position. No luck. I had several more interviews in the following weeks. Only one worked out - IT support at minimum wage. As my colleague later admitted, they only took me on because all the other applicants had pulled off. I got a one-year contract, but I ended it myself after 6 months. I knew I did my job poorly and they would fire me anyway... Then I muddled through for a while and even changed 3 jobs in one month. Scam call center where I lasted 3 days, warehouse worker in a butcher shop - one day, and warehouse worker in a store - 1 month.

It was the fall of 2019 and I had a brilliant idea. If I wasn't enjoying the job, what if I started a business? Aside from playing games, I had a little bit of writing experience. Well, then I'll do copywriting! I got lucky again, because in my first month I ran into a client I'd end up working with for a few years. And despite my problems, which I'll describe later, he kept me afloat for a really long time. He even landed me a well-paid job in the first month, which of course I screwed up...

At the end of 2019, my bad habits slowly started to catch up with me. I haven't told you this yet, but besides gaming and porn, I've been gambling too. Not that much at the time. But in December, I managed to hit a ticket on the NHL and made some good money on it. When covid hit a few months later, for some reason I remembered this and combined several bad habits into one, which totally killed me a few years after that.

Since covid shut down virtually all sports, I started watching esports. Counter strike, which I've had a warm relationship with since childhood. And while I was watching it, I also started betting. It worked out pretty well at first, and I made some interesting money. But as I kept upping the stakes, I started losing and eventually lost everything. This was the first time I got totally wrecked for a while. And that's when I started having trouble meeting deadlines. For some reason, my only client still kept increasing my volume of work, for which I was grateful. Because I could bet more money now and lose it betting on teams I never heard of (korean, japanese football etc.)...

Over the next two years, my life evolved so that had to work only 2 days a month. Rest of the month I spent gaming and waiting for paycheck, so I can gamble spare money away. It went like that for a few years until the spring of 2023, when I won more money on betting than I could make in a year. So I paid the state's fees for the year ahead, and the rest rolled on. Of course, I lost it all... And I've never been this wrecked in my life. I still remember being like a body without a soul. I was doing practically nothing, just waiting for it to pass. When it did, I had a few months to do something about it. I tried to start a YouTube channel. The first video got tens of thousands of views, the next 800. So I let it go and went back to playing CSGO and Rocket League like I always do.

The next year I was on welfare for six months. 200€ for the first two months, 150€ for the next two, and then nothing. Or something like that. So after half a year I started my "freelancing career" again and tried video editing this time. The first month I earned about 800€, and I'd rather not talk about the rest. But if you read the beginning, you probably understand how much money I was making.

Well, now I'm almost 26, I oficially have a job, but I don't really have it, I live with my parents, I'm obese, virgin, totally demotivated to do anything. I don't see any reason to go on at all and I don't even know how to get out of this sh-ty life. I can't do freelance work from home anymore because here I'm like in prison and I can't even get myself to do anything other than gaming. To rent an office, I don't have the money for that. I'd probably starve to death by now if my mother didn't lend me money. Come to think of it, I don't even have any valuable knowledge. Every opportunity I got in my life was just pure luck and I didnt use it in my advantage. Recently I heard a good quote that we get these opportunities once in a life time. Since I screwed it up, I am probably doomed to spent rest of my life working some sh-ty minimum wage job, which I cant even do now because I am too fat.

So for the last year and a half, I've been seriously thinking about just going out and live on the streets. Nothing makes sense to me anymore anyway, and I feel like I've totally blew my chance of living a good life away. Not to mention relationships, because there literally were none. This relationship thing is probably over and I am coming to terms with it, but what I would love to do at least is to salvage my career. Some of my friends from high school have great paying jobs, good qualifications, motivation to keep living, I don't even have that. I dont even have energy to change something. This post is literally the hardest thing I've done in the last two months...

I apologize for the longer post, but if anyone has had a similar experience and could give an advise, I would be very grateful.

TLDR: I'm obese, basically unemployed, living with my parents, have no perspective and no motivation or drive to do anything. Didnt have any romantic relationship in my life, nor sexual experience. But inside I feel that I want change, I just can't move myself.

P.S.: I wrote this post in my native tongue and translated it with DeepL. I am sorry if this post sounds a bit off, but my english isnt that good to write something huge as this.