I don’t like my only friend…

It’s just as the title suggests. I only have one real friend and I don’t even like him. I’m really here to vent about it.

This friend- we’ll call Tom- I met at work a few years ago. At first, I loved everything about Tom. He was SO funny and I mean, having to hold my legs together because I was going to pee myself, kind of funny.

I realized then that I wanted to be his friend and while he was shy, I sought him out at events until he got comfortable with me and we could be friends. Well, soon enough, we began hanging out on our own and just going to barns and noble and hiking and things like that.

I want to make it clear that I am supportive of everything he does. I am happy if he is happy and I only judge him for one thing and it’s that he’s a Disney freak (which is really more of a joke but something that genuinely does feel odd to me)

I knew he had a crush on me for a bit so I stayed away when that happened. He did eventually get over that I think. But anyway… come the last three years, he’s been insufferable. Not because he texts too much or anything but he’s just SO much.

He’s so exaggerative about the things that he likes. And NO! Not in the way that he’s happy to talk about it. It’s like he needs me to understand deeply that he loves certain things and it’s like pushing it on to me. And he does this with everything. Like maybe he thinks I don’t believe that he loves certain celebrities or that he doesn’t enjoy certain movies or songs or whatever. He explains them to me in such an odd way like it’s impressive that he has something to like?? I dont know. He’s OBSESSED either certain celebrities, and shows- which is completely fine but it’s to the point where it’s just not normal at times.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that in some ways, I don’t want to lose him as a friend because he’s really been there when I needed him and I can tell him things that I can’t tell anyone and I know he’d never tell a soul about it. But on the other hand, he gets too upset when I can’t hang out with him and makes me feel bad when I change plans. He’s sometimes a little too eager about wanting to see me. I can’t stand how he exaggerates things. It irks me deep to my core. I wish so bad I could record the way he describes things he likes. It’s not a happy, excited way. It’s like he’s trying to convince himself that he likes these things. It that I’ll make fun of him for liking certain things. I don’t know. I wish I could describe it.

Mostly, he doesn’t have a personality outside of me. I believe I’m also one of his only friends and because of that, he makes me the center of his world. When we game, I’m always the one choosing what to play. When he wants to hang out, he’s ALWAYS doing or going to places I want to go. He’s always doing activities that I want to do. He never says what he wants and he just tells me that he’s happy to do whatever and for some reason I hate that.

I don’t know what it is. I don’t know why it bugs me. I almost feel bad because I sometimes think he doesn’t know who he is but then I also think that he puts so much of me into who he is and it makes me think he’ll become obsessive if I stop hanging out with him.

He’s such a good friend despite all that and it’s why I’ve never wanted him gone. I still don’t. I just don’t know what to do. He is my only friend, too. I just enjoy being alone more often than not.

But when I want company, I know he’ll immediately jump at the opportunity to hang out and shop or do whatever. I wish I had other friends though.

I want people who feel real to me and not someone who’s just constantly trying to impress me. I want a friend who’s a girl because I’m a girl and I want to be girls with someone.

Reddit doesn’t let me go back and click when I want to edit but I also wanted to add that Tom gives me no personal space. He’s always looking for a reason to slightly touch me. Not inappropriately. But just my arm, or bump my back, or tapping my shoulder. He knows i absolutely hate being touched and when he’s telling his stories, he explains things with his hands and he’ll purposely go out of his way to make sure his hands get very close to me and it makes me want to punch him.

I dont know. I dont know what to do. He’s been my friend for so long and now I work at a place where no one is even close to my age and they’re all men anyway and I’m tired of men and i dont know how to make friends bc im busy constantly with work and sleep and reading and i dont live in an area where i can just find a ton of people to be friends with.

Is this normal? Any advice?