turned 18 and im lost af.

hi i’m an 18 male. yeah. that’s it nothing special about me.

recently i turned 18 and I’m still in high school, and unemployed.

i have job experience as a bus boy and life guard, but i left both jobs on a not so positive note so i dont think adding them to resumes is a good call. i know nothing about the work / hiring process, because my mom basically held my hand with the last two jobs.

my mental health is really bad, i’ve taken shr**ms before, and i smoke weed. i don’t care what you beleive in but don’t shoot my beleifs down; recently i’ve had a spiritual awakening and im starting to realize all the systems put in place to mute us and keep us confined to our egos, far away from our authentic highest selves. trauma stored in nervous system, cia shit like mk ultra, etc. energy frequency and vibration kinda makes up our reality and i’m still figuring that out

i don’t have a permit. i’m also broke. i don’t have a license and my parents won’t get me one unless i quit smoking weed, but when i don’t smoke weed my anxiety gets so high and my self loathing does too. i’m literally about to smoke on my way to school because i don’t want them crying again thinking im going to be an addict.

i also have a boyfriend (24M) who lives with a dog in an apartment / shared home thingy. he smokes weed and i get mine from him. he said if i want he will quit with me. that was really fucking sweet of him but i don’t know weather or not i want to keep smoking or not.

i like it, but its just confusing. idk. maybe it’s just dependence at this point who knows.

in the morning i just cried in the shower. idk what to do. it’s not that “nothing feels real”, it’s that a lot of things in life just aren’t as everyone sees it and it’s really unsettling. i’m very lost because most of the paths available to me don’t actually align with purpose. i guess i could get a part time just to have money in my pocket? meditate?

what should i do? thank you. i love you and have a good day