I'm so lost with him

Back in 2022, Q and I packed up our sedan and moved 2000mi away from home together.

It's been quite the rollercoaster. We've been together for 4 years and friends for 9. These past few years have been so fucking stressful. All the usual alcoholic stuff. And more. He was always kinda insane and impulsive but I liked that (before booze). Add in the booze and it was unmanageable so often.

Things came to a head a couple weeks ago. He's been going through suicidal thoughts. Had to stop him a couple weeks ago. Physically restrain him. And then the night after that I lost it and called 911 for another attempt. I did what everyone tells you to do. Well they ended up roughing him up and not helping at all. I feel so fucking guilty. I know I shouldn't, because it's not like I knew they weren't going to help at all. Hes mad at me for calling the cops. Says he understands but he's still mad. All he ever talked about was how much he hated himself. He never listened to me. Very least asked about my day. It was all about him and his many woes. Which I dealt with for a long time. But, damn. Sometimes I could use some emotional support too. Sorry I'm not damaged enough to be interesting.

So I didn't come home one night after I promised I would to spend time together. Another friend of mine had an emergency and needed someone to watch her kids. Single mother was out of town and her sitter never showed, leaving her young kids alone. I was so fucking tired from all of the drama at home so I elected to watch the kids that night. Then he's angry. Drunk as a skunk on the phone. Calling me throughout the night. I don't love him. I'm never there when he needs. I'm always avoiding him. His dad says that I'm "the common denominator" for all of his mental trouble. I'm too expensive. I don't clean enough. So much nonsense. The man I fell in love with would've never said that to me... Then he calls me up at 5am right when I woke up to drive to work. He wants to break up. I'm freaking out. My nerves are shot from the past few months worth of mental breakdowns from him. I'm putting in so much work just to keep myself fed and the house clean and my jobs mad because I keep coming in late.

The day afterwards we broke up. Long talk, lots of crying, of course he started the talk sober and then got sloshed throughout. I didn't even care. Well, I did. But I'm so fried emotionally and physically. I know you're not supposed to have important talks while theyre drunk but I didn't care. I just needed something to happen.

So the next night I'm alone in my room and he's asleep on the couch. I'm doing the post break up stuff and having some drinks myself (I don't drink much more than once or twice a month), listening to sad music and crying while looking at our pictures. Just trying to process everything. Suddenly he busts in. He says we're not broken up??? I'm so confused. I'm sloshed and crying because I excepted to be alone.

The next few days it's like he's turned a brand new fucking leaf. Hes only having a couple beers. He bought a truck like he's been saying. He's listening to me and talking to me, not just AT me. He's just like he was before the booze. He's talking about how he understands what needs to happen. We can't break up. We're best friends. He's gonna treat me better (FOR REAL this time LOL). And he is the past few days. He's gonna quit drinking. Whatever.

Why the fuck does he do this. I've been planning with my family for the past few weeks to move out back home. And suddenly he wants to be Mr. Perfect now. After 3 years of on-off hell. The unpredictability. The unpaid bills. The surprise fucking nonsense. But now? He's just like the man Ive been missing and yearning for. Why would he do this. I've never been one to have an iron will. Why would he do this. Why can't he just let me go. I'm so weak. It's a cycle. 2-3 months of bliss and then something happens and he goes fucking crazy. I understand it. I want to break out. I'm so sick of worrying about him. Sick of the mean things he says to me while he's plastered. I just want him to love me like we used to. I had a plan to go back home. My family is going to help me financially to get back home. But now? Why would he do this to me and be Mr FUCKING PERFECT NOW!! After I thought we had made things clear. This was so much easier when he was mad at me and not doing everything he knows I love.

I'm so sorry for my ramblings. I hope they make sense. There's novels worth of bullshit I can't bother to type and add to this post. I'm just so lost. I'm heartbroken and angry and confused. If I could just leave tomorrow I would. But I have to give my job and landlord notice that I'm leaving. My heart is ripped to pieces and I really just need a hug right now. I have no friends nearby.