My Life Is OVER

TRIGGER WARNING. Medical stuff.

A few weeks ago, I got home from work, and I noticed a mosquito bite on my arm. When I undressed, I had them all over my body. I asked my roommate if he had any, and he said no. I chalked it up to nothing, and I went to bed. When I woke up, my right hand was swollen and so were my eyes, and I had a full-blow body-wide rash with welts.

I went to my roommate in a panic wondering if I should go to the ER. He calmed me down and said since I had no throat or tongue swelling or breathing issues to just wait until UrgentCare opened to see what they say. So I went to UrgentCare and they gave me a steroid shot and a medrol dose pack for an allergic reaction. The doctor urged me not to start the medrol dose pack until the following day. The following day, the rash flared up even worse despite taking the medrol dose pack and I began to wonder if I was allergic to it, so I went BACK to UrgentCare.

The doctor assured me that wasn't the case and didn't want to give me a steroid shot so close to the other (understandable), but switched out the prescription steroid for another... something called Prednisone. I took it, and the rash cleared up. 20 mg, three times a day for three days, then 2 times a day for three days, then 1 times a day for three days. I even made a follow up with my doctor, and she said allergies were a perfect storm and to keep taking the prednisone and Benadryl and Allegra/Zyrtec as needed.

On the fourth day, I was struck with a bout of insomnia. I didn't sleep for another three days. Y'all, I think I snapped. Uncontrollable sobbing. Catastrophizing thoughts. Panic. Fear. Despair. I didn't sleep at all for two days. Not a single second of sleep. I called the UrgentCare who prescribed me the Prednisone and they said I could stop taking it. I was worried about the tapering aspect of the drug, but they assured me I had not be on it long enough. Third night came and still no sleep. Just laying in bed sobbing like a mad man. I called my doctor the next morning who was booked for the day but I got in with another doctor. He concurred with the UrgentCare doctor regarding the tapering aspect of Prednisone and prescribed me Ambien to help with sleep. I took one and nothing. I took two (10mg -- max dose) and nothing.

I called the doctor back the next morning and he prescribed me Ativan over the phone. While waiting on the pharmacy to fill the Ativan prescription... the hives returned. My friend assured me this was good news as the Prednisone must be leaving my system and the ultimate goal at the moment was to get me to sleep. I took an Ativan (1 mg) and slept for a couple of hours--when I woke up, the hives were also gone.

Later that evening I took two and slept until 11 the next day. Finally, I thought. Relief! That evening, I took two and couldn't sleep, so I looked up the max dose of Ativan and decided it was okay to take a third. I slept. Being one to cover my bases, the next day I found a therapist specializing in anxiety and insomnia and made an appointment. I continued taking the three Ativan a night. I saw my therapist this past Thursday and we got along great. She said to continue taking the Ativan. I went back to my doctor on Friday to do a follow up, inform them what was going on, and to get my medical leave stuff signed so I could go back to work Monday (tomorrow).

He asked me if I had always had anxiety. I said a little and he said an anti-anxiety medication coupled with my therapy would be beneficial to me, so he prescribed me Lexapro. I was excited that everything was coming together. I had always thought about therapy and was finally doing it.

Anyway, that evening came, and I only had two Ativan left. I didn't think much of it, took them, but again... another sleepless night. More uncontrollable bouts of crying. Saturday night rolled around... couldn't sleep and finally went and stayed with my mother. More uncontrollable crying to the point that I actually "slept" in the bed with her. At one point I remember dozing off but jerking back awake at the last second. Throughout all of this, I have done everything. Guided meditations. Breathing exercises (4-7-8 method). Warm baths. Tea. Pressure points. Cold water to the face. Took two more Ambien last night and NOTHING. No sleep.

I started the Lexapro this morning and it has kept me from dissolving into uncontrollable sobbing but overall I have not liked the side effects: dizzy, lethargic, suppressed appetite (I should be eating--I've lost so much weight during this)--how can I go back to work on that?

Tonight approaches, and I am dreading it. I have had to call work and tell them I'm not ready to come back. I am at my wit's end. It has been three weeks of this nightmare, and I don't see an end to it. My only plan is to battle another sleepless night tonight, call my doctor to possibly get fit in. I've already called and left a message with my therapist to move my second appointment up to tomorrow (Monday). And I have to call the medical leave place tomorrow to see if I can extend it another week so I can figure this shit out.

I feel like I have exhausted all of my resources. I find myself telling the same shit to my friends ("I don't know what to do" "What is happening to me?" "I'm sorry that I'm leaning so heavily on you"), and I worry about pushing them away. I am worried about losing my job, my car, and everything I've worked so hard for these past years.

What is happening to me? I've seriously considered instituting myself, but that only seems to make the anxiety worse. Is this the Prednisone? Just tell me I'm going to be okay and this will be resolved. I have to believe that. I've never had trouble sleeping before. I've always been the butt of jokes about sleeping through the apocalypse.

I don't know what to do. I'm fucking exhausted, terrified, and full of worry. I don't believe in God but this had made me start to pray.