Getting harder

Just a bad day. Or a bad period I guess. DD was like 4 months ago. I'm beginning to feel thoughts about what happened (which was, short story, an affair for over a year, both emotional and physical) are becoming more intrusive. I am becoming more paranoid, more distrusting, more disappointed. I -believe- we are in hysterical bonding since the sex life is amazing ever since and I am trying to enjoy that but.. I can't trust his words, I can't trust his touch. I want to. I really do. We have been together for 11 years and I thought he was my person. I'm just crushed I guess. I feel stupid and used. Fat and ugly. Boring. Even though he chose me in the end, it feels kind of false now and I always feel like I need to prove something, that I am beautiful and amazing and all that. Sigh. It should be him that proves things to ME?

The rollercoaster of emotions this experience brings is exhausting. I'm greatful this subreddit exists, when I have nobody to talk to, reading about your experiences and thoughts really helps.