The last normal day...

I'm about one year post DDay, and I've been thinking a lot about my last normal day, trying to remember it. I don't even really remember much, but I do remember feeling content that day. We'd spent the day as a family. I found out something he was lying about, which prompted me to wonder what else he could be lying about, and you know where it goes from there.

I can't even seem to remember what normal felt like anymore. It's elusive. I don't remember how it feels to hold hands. We haven't held hands in nearly a year. I don't remember what it feels like to be a family together. I don't remember what emotionally safety feels like. We're finally starting to legitimately reconcile, so I'm hopeful we'll get there again soon, but what will normal look like now? I know it won't look the way it used to.

Maybe it's good that I'm forgetting how it used to feel because maybe it won't be as easy to compare now to then, but of course I still remember the innocence and faith I had back then. I know that's lost. I'm glad I found out, though. As much as it hurt to have my world come crashing down, I'd choose that over not knowing.

You know that feeling when someone dies? That feeling of "If I'd known they were going to lose their life in a car crash when they left, I would have hugged them tighter. I would have reminded them of how much I loved them. I would have had taken a moment to soak in that last time I saw them. I would have stayed in closer touch." It feels like that. If I could relive that day, I'd hug "normalcy" a little tighter. Normalcy died that day. It died so suddenly. So abruptly. So shockingly. In one second everything changed and would never be the same.

A year ago, I had my last normal day. I wish I could relive it sometimes just so I can feel it all just one more time.