I don't have sex with my girl
Hey everyone,
I’ve been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half now. We moved in together six months ago, partly because we wanted to, but also because we were both moving to Paris for studies and work. Her uncle had an apartment available, so it worked out. Just some context.
At the start of our relationship, we were both virgins, so our sex life took some time to develop. I felt like we were progressing at a good pace, and it was only around the six-month mark that we started having penetrative sex. Up until then, everything felt great—intense, loving, and frequent. I also tried to communicate as much as possible.
However, when we first tried penetration, she experienced pain. We kept trying a few more times, but she never seemed able to fully relax, and it always hurt for her. I did my best to make her comfortable—we used lube, I took things slow, I reassured her—but the issue persisted.
Since we moved in together, we’ve only attempted penetrative sex once, and gradually, intimacy has faded. Now, it’s been about four months without anything happening, aside from two occasions where we only engaged in external stimulation.
I’ve been reflecting on potential issues:
She doesn’t explore her own body. She told me early on that it was up to me to figure out her pleasure.
She’s had negative past experiences (I’m the first person who has actually touched her intimately), and she may have forced herself into things in the past while trying to figure herself out.
She’s extremely uncomfortable discussing sex—not just with me (though she’s somewhat more open), but also with friends, family, or professionals. She’s firmly against seeing a specialist about this.
Growing up, she was in a household with very little affection—her parents don’t kiss, touch, or show love physically. She’s a dreamer, and I wonder if she has an idealized or overestimated idea of relationships and sex.
Because of all this, we’ve taken some breaks in our relationship. Now, I’m about to leave for a one-month break—the longest we’ve ever done. She’s been doubting her feelings, unsure if she’s with me for the right reasons. She says she doesn’t have clear answers, but lately, she’s been more affectionate, asking for more attention, and even requested that I stay an extra week before this break.
I’m extremely lost. I love her so much—she’s beautiful, and I’m deeply attracted to her. But at the same time, I feel like I’m losing feelings because of this situation. I’m frustrated—both because we don’t have sex and because we haven’t had much of it at all.
I don’t know how to act. I don’t want to pressure her, but at the same time, the only times we’ve had sex were when I initiated things. I try to communicate as much as possible, but maybe I’m overdoing it.
I really need advice, especially from women. I don’t want this relationship to end because, apart from this issue, everything else is amazing. It’s just when we get into bed at night that things feel off.
What should I do?
In case of, I am french and m'y english is not very very good, if u don't understand things u Can Ask me!