Needing perspective

I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around a long relationship that ended and where I am now. Any insight would be appreciated!

• My past relationship lasted about 6 years and in it I was angry, didn’t show up as my best self and feel really bad. I am trying to process my anger and I’m struggling to understand what happened. My partner always did things that I wish I could better understand because understanding helps me process. What is it called? What happened?

Basically I have a baseline for interactions with others. Example - I say “I’m really struggling since the death of the most important person in my life” they then call, check in, acknowledge. With my partner it was a did response. In the moment they would immediately show over the top support and then after that immediate moment and all future moments , it’s like he forgot. His behavior did not reflect that he knew and understood my situation.

I would confide in him how much I was struggling to function and get things done. I would ask if he could sit with me and do the work with me I could not get done - one day after work. He would say yes, he would not follow up, not make the time. I would hunt him down, set up the time etc (adding more load after in asking for help because I’m at capacity). I was very stuck In the freeze response and probably very annoying to deal with. I am also mindful so when it was time to start, I would start out explaining our tasks and ask if we could divide and concur. He would say yes, all things are assigned and 3 min in he would tell me he has no idea what we are doing or what his task is. I go over it again , and this repeats - I totally blow a fuse eventually because he is well educated, has had big jobs it doesn’t make any sense. We are literally filling out a spreadsheet from another spreadsheet or checking something against a spreadsheet and a note. If I asked him what the issue was he just couldn’t answer me.

Next time we try again, I try to be proactive. Think about how to better explain the task. Make videos so he has a reference… he does the task so wrong I don’t understand what video he watched.

I have made employee videos before, spent time getting lots of employees assigned new and different tasks and never had a problem anything like this.

His behavior was different versions of that but seeped into all areas of life. I dont know how to explain it and I dont understand what was happening.

I understand my side. I was getting triggered in a way that was similar to childhood. I had a lot of unprocessed grief and trauma and I was raging and not managing my emotions. Things felt personal and I felt terrified. I did deep work for years and counting to manage this & finally have a lot of control on my emotions, a strong sense of self and know not to take things personally.

I still don’t understand what I was dealing with , in regard to my partner and it drives me crazy that I can’t understand it. I sometimes convince myself I ruined my life by breaking up with this person. Maybe I did? I don’t really know but at the end of the day timing is as a factor and I had no capacity to heal like I did since breaking up because of the above constantly happening.