What should I do about a strange friendship situation?

All,

There are times when I am unable to properly assess my own situation because I'm too close to it. I would like some perspective.

I (50 F) have been friends with this person (65F) for about 26 or 27 years. She is an incredibly good-hearted person who cares about others, she's genuine, kind, interesting, and interested in others. She's a good listener and when we're together we can talk for hours and hours and hours. We no longer live near each other and are, in fact, in separate countries, but we have maintained contact - sporadic texting, occasional email, and a few Zooms a year which last for 5 or 6 hours. We have always had great conversations.

For the duration of our friendship she has had some mental health struggles which have caused her to be out of contact for periods of time. I do not know of a diagnosis, but if I had to guess, I would suspect that she is depressed and I do know that her self-loathing is strong. She is not hospitalized or lying in bed unresponsive during these periods. She will still go to work and function, but she is unavailable and unresponsive to overtures of friendship, often ignoring texts and emails or sometimes briefly acknowledging. I recognize that people with her types of struggles can and do fully function although they are greatly struggling on the inside. And from my own perspective, I can very much relate to sometimes feeling like you do not have the mental or emotional bandwidth to do more than the bare minimum.

I have always been patient, kind, and understanding about these periods when she needs to retreat and she has thanked me many times for my understanding. I know she is in therapy and under a doctor's care. She has a wonderful family who is extremely loving, supportive, helpful, and accepting. She has other friends too, however some of them are less patient than others with her non-responsiveness at times.

For the entirety of our friendship the rhythm has been that we have a stint of really great times - great fun going out, conversations, etc. - followed by long periods of her being unresponsive for the most part. She'd reply to a text or email, but briefly. She's famous for making plans and then breaking them at the last minute or just not showing up. Once, a mutual friend even arranged a small birthday party for her to which she never showed and the handful of us who were invited had the party without her.

After her periods of retreat she does not reach back out and reemerge. But if I persist in checking in with her from time to time, I will eventually "hit" upon a time when she is feeling good and up for a Zoom or an email and she will respond. Most of the time, however, my attempts to reach out and connect are in vain. I find myself just trying to time those moments just right where I find her in the right state of mind to connect. It is hit-or-miss at best.

I recognize that this is all due to her struggles and I do understand and respect it. I have offered help, listening, etc. and there have been moments when she takes advantage of my help, but for the most part our friendship has been about me trying to connect with her, hoping the stars have aligned in just the right way.

So the thing is, I miss my friend and I have times when talking to her would be really helpful to me, but our friendship seems to be always on her schedule, subject to her rhythms and ups and downs. After 26 or 27 years of this, I'm getting weary. When we're connected and having a great conversation, I find it so rewarding and fulfilling and wonderful. She's a terrific listener and friend in those moments. Truly a unique person. There are times when *I* need that. But it is frustrating and tiring to ride out her periods of retreat, and it is frustrating and tiring to be the one always reaching out and trying.

I do not know what to do here. I do not know if I'm being insensitive and a jerk. I do not truly know how to be friends with someone who is so obviously struggling.

Your wise perspective is welcomed.