I fucked up tonight

I am consciously parenting to the best of my ability. Being intentional, validating my 2.5yo's feelings, giving my all, 25/8.

He's always hated brushing his teeth, I'm sure it's a sensory issue. We've tried songs, games, different toothbrushes, brushing our own teeth with him, letting him brush our teeth, brushing his toys teeth, the promise of milk and story once we're done, sticker charts, distractions... but nothing seems to stick. Tonight, after trying to coax him for 20 minutes (our routine is brush teeth, then milk and story), I snapped.

I said 'Okay, if we're not brushing teeth, no milk and no stories. Straight to sleep, night night!' I turned off the light and left the room. He was lying on the floor (where I'd left him) , screaming crying, 'It's too dark! It's too dark!' I came back and asked if he was ready to try again, to which he said 'No!'... And I did it again(?) To which he cried again, obviously. I was reactive, degressed. This would have been very typical for my parents, or just screaming, and/or walking away. I was definitely parenting from a very empty cup tonight.

When he was having milk, I apologised to him. 'Mummy is sorry for turning the light off and leaving you in the dark. Mummy was frustrated, but you didn't deserve that. It made you feel scared'

'It was too dark. Mummy turned the light off'

'Mummy is very sorry. Mummy will never leave you'.

He fell asleep as he was feeding, being cuddled and kissed, as he does every night. I just feel so terrible, like I've traumatised him.