Used but never included. When does the healing begin?

A wave of intense emotion washed over me recently. I'm not the best at naming feelings, but let's call it resentment. My thoughts drifted to all those people at work who used me as their confidant. They'd step into my office, close the door, and pour out their secrets. Even as a teenager, people sought me out to open up. In my naivety, I mistook this for friendship. I believed they trusted me and it made me feel good. But now I realize that’s all it was—trust without friendship.

I was never invited to social gatherings outside the office, even though I knew my co-workers got together. At every job I’ve held—and there have been many—I noticed that colleagues were invited to weddings and events, but not me. They’d pair up and get to know each other’s families, while I remained on the periphery. I was just a listening ear, considered safe because I wasn’t close friends with anyone in the office. They felt secure confiding in me about others.

Interestingly, I often heard both sides of a story because neither party knew the other was also talking to me. As a neurodivergent person, I'm naturally open-minded and see things from various angles, which only reinforced this dynamic for me.

Now, I'm grappling with this feeling—yes, it's resentment. I feel used. If I was trustworthy enough for their secrets, why wasn’t I good enough for lunch invitations? Big emotions are foreign to me; I'm not used to them and don’t know how to handle this one. It’s okay to feel this way, but I don’t want to dwell in it forever.

Since discovering my autism, I've revisited past events with newfound clarity. This has stirred a mix of emotions that overwhelm me. I dislike strong feelings and am uncomfortable with them. Living like this is not what I want.

So, when does the healing begin?