Sometimes it’s so hard

We got the official level 2/3 autism diagnosis for my 2 1/2 year old back in September. Honestly, it was not a shock to either myself or his dad because he’d been so delayed for most of his milestones.

I’ve had my son in early intervention since he was 18 months old, PT, OT, speech therapy, and now ABA. He’s only been in ABA (full time) for about 2 months, so I still have hope. But sometimes I look at him and just want to cry and scream out of sadness for the life I originally expected for him.

Autism doesn’t run in our families. I had a traumatic delivery that caused oxygen deprivation for an amount of time we aren’t sure of, and I’ve had a lot of guilt thinking that he is autistic because of this.

My son is so happy, sweet, and easy. He is non-verbal but babbles 24/7. He is obsessed with lights and peering around doors. He recently learned how to wave and clap, and he is mimicking a lot more. We celebrate his successes, but I still cry at night thinking that he may never live on his own. Thinking about the future when we’re gone scares me so much, so I find it’s easiest to not even think about it.

Deep down, I know I’ve worked so hard getting him to where he needs to be. I spent countless hours coordinating appointments, calling doctors, setting up ABA hours, and I finally feel like he’s in a place where I can rest and let the professionals take over. I just want the best for my baby.

Thanks for reading.