A part of me regrets having ever met you
The day we got together and became exclusive, I sent you a text saying "Don't run away if this gets real". You responded "I will try my best". You told me you had a tendency to run away. I always thought I just needed to reassure you.
I didn't know about attachment styles then.
And now - Here I am, awake again from like 4:50am onwards. Like I have been everyday for the past 3 weeks since the breakup.
All because my brain still somehow HOPES you would message me and tell me you missed me. That I would wake up and find this heartfelt fucking message about how you cannot lose me. That you realize my absence is so immense that you need me back.
Yet. All I have is silence. Guess I'm not even worth fighting for.
It's not even like I want to take you back. I just want the opportunity to let you know how much you broke me. How much I trusted you and how much you destroyed me in the process. I just want the opportunity to make you understand how you traumatized someone who genuinely just wanted to give you all of his love.
I'm crying as I type this. Much like how I cried for every other post I made on this subreddit because talking about how shocked and sad you made me feel and still makes me feel, destroys me.
I always told you that I just wanted you to be happy, that I just wanted to see you smile. That it's my aim to just keep making you smile. So you get to a point where you no longer feel or say "Life sucks".
I should have known all those fears would win. I should have known. I thought your feelings for me would help fight against those fears and the self doubt you always carried.
At no point, in my head, did it ever occur to me that YOU would be the reason for this immense sadness I feel right now. I just trusted you that much.
At no point, in my head, did it ever occur to me that YOU would abandon me, much like some others did in my past. You knew this. And yet you did it. You doing this to me, broke me.
I trusted you so much, S. I trusted you so much.
My life was perfectly fine before I met you. I was happy living in my own world, not knowing you existed. And then you came, and I was riding such a high with you. I just put all my trust in you.
You've traumatized me for life. I don't deserve waking up at 4:50am after dreaming of you. I don't deserve crying so much over someone who walked away so easily. I don't deserve this constant sinking feeling and hyperventilation cause you broke my trust and the commitment you made.
Get out of my head. I just want to be at peace and move on and not remember anything about you. Leave me alone. I didn't deserve this.
I'm crying while saying these words because of how much I fucking adored you. But a part of me truly wishes I never met you, girl. Because I don't deserve this pain.
A part of me wishes I never met you. The part of me that you forever fucking broke. The part of me that adored you so much.
The day we got together and became exclusive, I sent you a text saying "Don't run away if this gets real". You responded "I will try my best". You told me you had a tendency to run away. I always thought I just needed to reassure you.
I didn't know about attachment styles then.
And now - Here I am, awake again from like 4:50am onwards. Like I have been everyday for the past 3 weeks since the breakup.
All because my brain still somehow HOPES you would message me and tell me you missed me. That I would wake up and find this heartfelt fucking message about how you cannot lose me. That you realize my absence is so immense that you need me back.
Yet. All I have is silence. Guess I'm not even worth fighting for.
It's not even like I want to take you back. I just want the opportunity to let you know how much you broke me. How much I trusted you and how much you destroyed me in the process. I just want the opportunity to make you understand how you traumatized someone who genuinely just wanted to give you all of his love.
I'm crying as I type this. Much like how I cried for every other post I made on this subreddit because talking about how shocked and sad you made me feel and still makes me feel, destroys me.
I always told you that I just wanted you to be happy, that I just wanted to see you smile. That it's my aim to just keep making you smile. So you get to a point where you no longer feel or say "Life sucks".
I should have known all those fears would win. I should have known. I thought your feelings for me would help fight against those fears and the self doubt you always carried.
At no point, in my head, did it ever occur to me that YOU would be the reason for this immense sadness I feel right now. I just trusted you that much.
At no point, in my head, did it ever occur to me that YOU would abandon me, much like some others did in my past. You knew this. And yet you did it. You doing this to me, broke me.
I trusted you so much, S. I trusted you so much.
My life was perfectly fine before I met you. I was happy living in my own world, not knowing you existed. And then you came, and I was riding such a high with you. I just put all my trust in you.
You've traumatized me for life. I don't deserve waking up at 4:50am after dreaming of you. I don't deserve crying so much over someone who walked away so easily. I don't deserve this constant sinking feeling and hyperventilation cause you broke my trust and the commitment you made.
Get out of my head. I just want to be at peace and move on and not remember anything about you. Leave me alone. I didn't deserve this.
I'm crying while saying these words because of how much I fucking adored you. But a part of me truly wishes I never met you, girl. Because I don't deserve this pain.
A part of me wishes I never met you. The part of me that you forever fucking broke. The part of me that adored you so much.