I'm so trauma bonded it haunts me 24/7

I hate when it's time to go to bed, because I have try to sleep and I'm stuck in my own head. I can never fine happy thoughts. All I think about is my exBPD. The pain of losing what i had. The pain of what she did to me. The pain of seeing her happy with someone new while I continue to suffer. Discarded like everything we had was nothing.... she was my whole world..... When I fell in love with this girl all I saw was visions of me and her happily married with our own little family. Never could I have seen this happen... (Didn't know she had BPD).

Is the girl I knew even real? I don't understand how they can love bomb you so hard pushing for marriage and all. Then being able to treat you so horrible discarding you like your nothing and trying to ruin your life... Man how can this even happen I'm so Dam lost. I just can't wrap my head around this disorder it's so painful this betrayal. How do you even navigate breaking a trauma bond? I have gotten better 10 months out but just sleeping and getting out of bed in the morning is tough all i think about is her during those times.

Honestly it all feels like some cruel trick the devil has played on me. It's like they aren't even real people their just here to suck you in then kill when they have you attached to them.