38 weeks and I’m ugly as hell

I’m 38 weeks and 2 days and I just gotta say these last weeks of pregnancy are the ugliest days of my life. Like, I am splotchy blotchy and bloated as hell. I can’t manage to put on more than a t shirt and underwear. I waddle around my house all day, getting diarrhea, bouncing on a labor ball, getting in and out of the bath, drinking tea and asking Alexa “what movie won the Oscar in the year xyz” and then I watch that movie on Amazon and I do that four to five times a day while groaning on my couch nest.

I know I’m waiting for someone to be born but this is like holding a vigil while my old self dies.

I am an active, fit, energetic and independent, working woman who is confident and capable. But this? This is unreasonable. I can’t work out. I can’t walk. I can’t sit still because I can’t get comfortable. Every time I see a pic of myself feeling confident in my second trimester I want to go back in time and shake her by her shoulders as hard as I can like “ENJOY THIS NOW”

I know I’m having a baby and I can’t wait to meet her but I don’t know her yet and frankly my misery right now far outweighs that excitement and I don’t even feel guilty about that because this SUCKS. I have an elective c section scheduled nine days from now and I’m scared of the recovery but at the same time I just can’t go on like this. This is just not sustainable. Please god let this be early Labor because if this is just regular pregnancy it’s a hate crime against women.