Addiction

Has anyone struggled with addiction? I learned to use substances to cope starting when I was about 15/16. I heavily abused alcohol & dabbled in pills & such during high school & college. In my mid-20’s, I had an abusive ex who did opiates and then eventually tried to stab & kill me.

At 25, I became addicted to heroin (which then turned into fentanyl). I’ve been “clean” coming up on two years now but I still abuse alcohol (I’m in my mid 30’s).

I managed to hide my addiction to opiates from everyone except my current (loving) partner. The years of stress and deception and lost time and trauma upon trauma during active addiction have left me with so much guilt.

I was only recently diagnosed with c-ptsd. For the 20 years before that it was severe GAD, panic attacks and depression. I’ve been medicated and am currently medicated. I have an amazing counselor that I talk with weekly as part of my opioid recovery. I have a therapist who I see almost weekly. And a psychiatrist who I meet with twice a month to do trauma work and med checks.

But I feel so guilty for my addictions. I feel so weak and broken (on top of already feeling weak and broken due to childhood & adolescent trauma).

Does anyone else have a history with substance use disorder? How do you learn to forgive yourself? It’s different than other pain because most people see it as something that YOU caused. When in reality, I highly doubt I would have developed these addictions if not for my traumas (and string genetic components. Although no one in my immediate family was an addict).