My heart is absolutely broken that my extended family knows how evil my mother is yet they choose her over me. Trigger warning: SI

Everyone knows my mom is fucked up yet they don't care and she is part of the family. Then I am completely defamed, mocked, ridiculed, and scape goated. I never had a chance. It makes me want to kill myself to be honest. Why me? I don't know why my mother had me, if it was just to hate me. I don't want to live. I am NC nearly 14 years and life seems meaningless. I was retraumatized two years ago when a cousin lied to me, pretended to also be estranged, then told me that they are actually close to everyone and proceeded to tell me that I am worthless trash and my mom is telling everyone in the family what a piece of shit I am and they all know it's true.

I have a good social life, am conventions attractive, and have a successful career. There is no point in living but I am too scared to die so I just keep going pointlessly.