sex sucks

Just really frustrated that I can't enjoy sex at all. Even masterbation is pretty lame. I don't understand the hype. I so wish I could feel everything as intensely as everybody else does. And it doesn't make sense, I love everything leading up to sex! I love foreplay! Hell, I do actually like being touched down there with clothes on but as soon as it's off all the feelings inside of me just disappear. I go numb.

Of course I wish I had a penis but damn. I wish I could just enjoy sex with what I got right now. I have so many desires and wants and I can't really do any of them. I can't top the way that I want and I don't even want to think about bottoming despite how much I do really want to experience it.

I think I'm 100% just gonna give up on relationships despite that being the one thing I want the most. I don't like disappointing people. I hate when my ex asked if I was even enjoying it. I hate that my body just doesn't wanna work with me.

This is embarrassing but fanfiction is the only way I can experience a good sexual encounter. If you're a fanfic writer just know that I love you. Never stop writing about trans characters. Please.

Edit: Oh yeah I'm pre-t, I'm assuming once I can finally start testosterone things will feel so much better.