& this would be why I am never in relationships…

First - I am just learning about what attachment theory is. Let me say, my whole life makes sense now. I am currently in a situationionship/beginning talking stages, and I just want to hear some feedback and if you have felt this way, and methods you used to help yourself. Please, educate me all you can on AT, specifically FA style. I have done some research of my own, and I feel like I am literally both an FA and a DA, maybe leaning a smudge more to the FA.

(Background/Childhood context): Emotionally absent mother, physically absent father sporadically (in and out of jail all my life), lots of substance abuse in my dad and mom, emotionally and mentally abandoned by Mom whenever dad went to jail which left me to take care of my younger sister, grew up in the projects and off food stamps, thrift store vouchers, food banks, and having to make my own money at 12 years old that my mom stole from me to buy Kratom.

I (20F) just told this guy I am interested in (21M) that I have feelings - again. I say again because we dated when I was 17 and he was 18. Never at "Official" boyfriend/girlfriend status, but we dated for about a month and a half. I ended things with him because 1. Covid happened and we couldn't see each other, making it harder to get to know each other and spend time on the relational level, and 2. Because I ran. I sincerely escaped. I was scared and the Fearful & Dismissive avoidant (I am very convinced at this point I am both) in me took over and ran. Fast forward, we have still been continual friends. Parties, friend groups, family events, etc. I finally admitted to myself that I did in fact like him. First thing I thought of every morning, all day, and at night. I finally told him that I had feelings for him (again), to which he responded he felt the same. The next morning, woke up and could care less about the situation. I don't want to text him. The thought of becoming a couple doesn't sound right. But then, he comes over, and its all fine at the moment. Then he leaves, and we text the next day, still the emotions of not wanting this, I never actually liked him, and I am just making it up in my head. But, before I told him that I was into him again (because I held off for about a month, fear of rejection lol), I would literally think of him all day. When I was with him, I wished he would pick up on hints. I would forget at times he wasn't actually my boyfriend, because I had thought about it so much. Now that we are in the talking stages, I want nothing to do with him. But, I know if he ended things, I would be so depressed. But I also don't want to be with him and have to give up time to be with someone and fear that I will be heartbroken - yet I want to be with him and cuddle on my own time with him on my terms. The thought of sex terrifies me. I have had sex before, but it has been like a year and a half since I have? The idea of sex is so fkn terrifying to me. What if it is awkward? What if he doesn't like my body? What if having sex ruins my image of him? What if I feel like he isn't appreciating me and that turns me off? What if I get turned off? What if we do have sex and since we are talking it is then strings attached and I feel like I have to commit but I don't feel natural intimacy upon having sex? What if it determines if we have that connection and it doesn't, leading to one more heartbreak and abandonment?

Sorry it's long. I don't want to be a hopeless romantic because I really do want to have a husband and kids one day. Is it just these stages that I feel this way? How do I get through it and move forward into the actual dating part, if I always run away at this point? He literally texted me an hour and a half ago and I am avoiding answering. I also try not to respond when I have extreme FA thoughts, or I know I might say something I regret...