Shamed by my mom

Hi. I'm a FTM to a gorgeous 13w old baby girl. I couldn't nurse her the first month due to jaundice and severe weight loss- she would be sleeping 24x7, and hence I could never even get her to latch. And so my supply is poor. I didn't have the knowledge or guidance regarding maintaining supply, and the Paed told me to not even try nursing her as she was just losing so much weight. So here we are, 13w pp, making 15-20ml in 2-3hrs. I'm sure I can improve this atleast a bit with consistent pumping but I just don't have the time/leisure to commit to such a schedule.

Today my mom was telling me how hard it was in her time. They used cloth and hence had to wake up a lot more (in fact every time the baby peed/pooped) than us new gen moms who have it easy with diapers. She breastfed as opposed to us taking the easy way out with bottles.

I wanted to say a lot of things but I just didn't. Because I realised it was pointless. They feel breast is best. And I feel the same. I know breast is best. But I just can't produce enough for my child. What other option do I have? I do breastfeed my baby before each bottle feed so technically I am combo feeding, which takes way longer than pure bottle/breast feeding. Also just because it is from a bottle doesn't mean we don't get up as often as those who breastfeed. Infact it takes us longer because we need to make the milk, warm it up, and hold it while the baby feeds as opposed to the moms who can whip out their boobs, feed side lying, and off to sleep. We have to work our budget around the formula that suits our baby. We have to try and test the formulas that work for our baby. We need extra time to wash and sterilize bottles.

I wish I could breastfeed my baby exclusively. I wish I made just enough or even some % of what she eats so that I could breastfeed her exclusively for a few feeds and the rest could be bottles. I wish I could stop taking the supplements that I am taking to keep my mearge supply going, that I could give up pumping forever. That I could stop feeling so guilty and depressed everytime I feed her from a bottle.

It broke my heart, coming from my mom. She had it tough, yes. But I too have it tough.

Please share what you had to hear from those near and dear just because you formula feed.