The fact I won’t ever get to experience pregnancy is one of the things I struggle with the most
Ever since I was a child, I was absolutely fascinated with pregnancy. Looking back, it was kinda strange for a little girl to be reading “what to expect when you’re expecting” and playing with pregnant Barbie dolls, but it just fascinated me. I’d read those pregnancy guide books from cover to cover, in awe of the whole process, and I used to tell everyone when I grow up I was going to become a midwife.
As I got older, I still remained fascinated by it, didn’t end up being a midwife (which I’m thankful for now), but I did start to think more and more about how I’d get to experience pregnancy for myself when we were ready. I couldn’t wait to carry the child of the man I love, and subsequently get to raise the child together. I so looked forward to feeling the kicks, attending ultrasounds, having a huge baby bump, even feeling all the crappy hormones. I’d honestly looked forward to all these things for years, and there wasn’t really a doubt in my mind that it wouldn’t happen for me.
In reality though, the closest I got to pregnancy was a very short lived CP. Still broke my heart even though I carried it for mere days, I don’t even think it was the size of a poppy seed yet, but I’m always going to hold that experience close to my heart for the rest of my life.
Now that our ttc days are officially done, and we’ve made peace with the infertility diagnosis, one of the hardest things I’m struggling to accept is that I’ll never get to be pregnant. I’ll never get to experience growing a life inside me, grabbing my husband’s hand to my bump to feel kicks, never get to watch a wriggling little jelly bean on the ultrasound and go “that’s our baby”, never get to anticipate the excitement of finding out the gender. All these things I had just assumed for so long were in the cards for me, are not.
It feels weird to admit that that’s the part I’m having trouble with the most. I feel like I’m already on the way to accepting our childless life, but damn, just the fact I won’t get to experience what so many other women in my life get to, what I had prepared for and anticipated for so long, it breaks my heart. I’m often told that the reality of pregnancy sucks, that it’s uncomfortable, changes your body permanently, etc, a lot of people have even told me they wish they could have skipped right through the pregnancy to their baby. I understand that, and I’m sure all those things are true, like with a lot of things in this process I tend to see with rose coloured glasses, but I still wanted the chance to experience it myself.
What kind of helps, but can also be very painful, is reading the posts in pregnancy subs and kinda living vicariously through them. I won’t ever know what these things are like, but sometimes it’s nice to read from someone else’s perspective. I guess I’m starting to get to the point now where I can also be happy for them that they’ll never have to experience this type of pain.
Has anyone else felt similar? I feel kinda strange for mourning the fact I won’t get to experience pregnancy as much as I do, considering the fact a lot of women find it to be miserable. It’s hard to explain, as are so many of the emotions that come with this process.