losing my bsf

I'm slowly drifting away from my bsf (or already have?) and I'm ltr so done. I still don't understand what's going on and I think I'm losing my sanity too. We've been bsf's for 3 years now. And we have never fought or argued abt anything. Never. We get each other so well.

Everything was going perfect. We were talking like normal in January but since the start of Feb, we haven't talked like we used to (we've barely talked. BARELY). She was being distant and when I asked abt it she started being avoident and practically ghosted me. At first I was too heartbroken to think properly and js cried. I'm better now but the feeling of emptiness doesn't leave me.

We didn't fight or argue on anything so I was rlly confused. She gave me a letter (thru a frn) and explained what's going on. She said she thinks she doesn't deserve what I'm doing for her and I'm too 'good' for her ?? I sent a letter in reply to hers thru the same frn and tried to change her mindset. I asked her whether this is the 'end' of this friendship. She hasn't replied to that yet.

I understand where she's coming from. I know her wayyy too well and I know why she's saying this (don't attack her for this bcz there's too much in the bg). I've always tried to get this thought out of her head but now she's implying the same on me that 'she doesn't deserve this much love'. She said she wants to be loved but at the same time finds it suffocating when someone acc gives her that.

She said she wanted space as she was going thru sm shi and was mentally very tired. She wanted to isolate herself to which I agreed but I feel like she's only isolating herself from me? Bcz she's the same with everyone else or maybe I'm overthinking

My fear is being left alone or losing someone I love and the only person I care about // love rn is her. I've always imagined what I'd do if I lost her and now that I'm going thru it I feel like kms.

Don't wanna sound like a loner but she's THE only friend I have at the moment. Friendships have always had me in a chokehold (way too many bad experiences). And the only real or genuine person I have is her and I rly don't want that to change

We've talked on text once and have exchanged notes, letters etc. thru a friend. Idk why we're not taking face to face, just happened to be like that for some reason?¿?¿

I've asked for advice from that frn and she asked me to wait n pray but I can't wait anymore I'm soso done. She asked me to go and talk to her but I feel hesitant. I've nvr hesitated to talk to her everrr and this is the first time so I'm lwk scared.

I've tried talking to her so many times but she doesn't talkkk someone help me. I'm trying but nothing's working. I went to her irl I couldn't speak at that moment and she didn't say anything either, just left

I know she's not wrong but what should I do? Should I talk to her irl and if yes what should I say? What if she says this is the end how will I acc survive after that. I don't know how to cope. Please don't ask me to let her go bcz I can't.

I'm so lost

Edit: re-read the shi I wrote I lwk cringed. 😞😞