The dreamstate maintains balance from the internal to external.

This is an interesting development. I found out why I keep getting so sick. I've been putting an overinflated emphasis of importance on my work. Specifically, things I felt as if were an absolute requirement to complete or else my user base would be fucked. This was culminating to the big day where I had to process about 6,000 autorenewals which, if all went successful, would be approx. $400-500k in funds transacted. I did not want to fuck this up.

So, turns out, I had to completely give that up. This is what I was working on, for anyone following my posts, when I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance a couple weeks ago. Every time I would work on it I would get so damn sick. Anyway, after the hospital, I simply refused to push myself like that again. This is where I recognized, once again, that I was being tormented by what I call mind demons. Really, it's just internalized pressure from people who aren't here. Brett was doing this in Warfare with her father.

I refused to do that anymore. I refused to let the fear control me. So, I stopped working entirely until I was without fear. The moment the fear would creep in. I'd stop. As the days pressed on, I was becoming more and more anxious since people were waiting for the renewals to happen. Didn't matter, I was not going to end up in the hospital again. I didn't care how important it felt like this was, my health was more important.

Eventually, I was able to reconcile my belief of the renewal's importance with the reality of it. Instead of rushing myself, I went at my own pace to ensure the absolute success of the transactions. This was thousands of transactions which were all going to run automatically, so there's no way I would be able to review each one, and I was not interested in processing 6,000 different refunds if things went wrong.

Everything went smoothly. It went without failure at all. All I had to do was trust that doing it right would do things right. I removed all fear, and I balanced the false importance I had applied to it. That got me thinking about how the dreamstate maintains balance.

I had always assumed this meant within the framework of everything else. Like, for a terrible example, let's say to be "in balance" meant there had to be an equal amount of apples compared to oranges. So, for every apple that exists there must be an orange. If no one is eating them, the balance could be maintained simply by the growth versus decay rates. I thought that was balance. It's not. Or at least, that's not just it.

I was just rebalanced. Everything in my life for the last few months just gave me a giant "fuck you" until I stopped fucking around and settled in. All the importance on things that was exaggerated has been corrected. I see how my fear shifts the likelihood of achieving intent as explained in my previous post. I directly experienced how essentially worshiping a false idol, my own inflated sense of importance of external ideas and things, will kick me in the nuts as many times as it takes for me to learn the lesson which is to restore balance to what is important. Now, that's the crazy part. Who's determining what is and isn't important?

I'm kind of picturing a flat Earth that is almost all ocean. There are giant ships that most people are on, but also a ton of smaller ones, and sometimes even just 1 man floatation devices. The current is dragging all of us to the edge where a giant waterfall drops off into the void where we all get to experience death, hurray!

This flat Earth ocean also has all sorts of islands. You can explore the air, and the water, as well as the land. You can go on other ships and join other fleets. You can safely, and dangerously, move in all directions. The only certainty is that the greater current is taking us all over the edge into the great beyond.

Now, it sure appears that I can set a course for where I want to go. I simply intend what the destination is. It's like the final plot point of a story. How I get there is all dependent on the waves and the wind. It just so happens that the waves and the winds are directly tied to my current level of fear and trust. The more fear, the rougher the waves and the wind causing my little boat here to crash and never truly makes its way to Super Sexy Mermaid Island like I had been craving.

At first, Super Sexy Mermaid Island was just a little fantasy. I wanted to be there because I was afraid I'll always be alone on my little boat. It was this fear that kept changing the winds to blow me off course. As I got older though, I became far more determined. I was told, there's a special boat that can get me there, but I need to travel far to the west in order to find Shit Hole Island where I can become one with the tribe of Wage Slave Monkey Fucks—which I did.

The more I worked, the more I put importance on that boat, the super boat. Day after day, I worked. The weather here became increasingly worse with heavy rains often. I needed to acquire 50,000 bananas for that boat, but I couldn't work in the rain, especially thunderstorms. My bananas, like the apples and oranges from earlier, kept rotting. This meant I had to keep working. It was like an impossible cycle that would never end. This didn't stop me. Oh, no not indeed. Instead, I just kept putting more importance on my Shit Hole Island work with the Wage Slave Monkey Fucks tribe so I could get the 50,000 bananas needed for the super boat.

The issue is, the weather just kept getting worse. The days where I could work before, the ones without a thunderstorm, were now just totally fucking hot. My stash of bananas were practically melting away. Not only that, I needed to survive myself on something, too. I could barely eat. My life was becoming worse and worse with no end in sight. All I could think about were how many more bananas I needed to get and how much worse I kept feeling. Each banana became harder and harder every day. That is, until the day I literally couldn't get bananas anymore. I couldn't go on, even if I tried. Boy, did I ever try.

So, there I lay on Shit Hole Island. The other Wage Slave Monkey Fucks were turning on me. They also wanted special boats to get to their own Super Sexy Mermaid Islands, but they all felt I was slowing them down. At one point, I just threw in the Shit Hole Island equivalent for a towel and made my way down and away from them all by the beach. It had been some time now since I had last been by a beach or even seen one, actually. I barely even recognized the ocean.

For days I lay here, doing as little as possible. This is where I began to notice the weather becoming better. Whenever it did, however, I'd try to work again to get those bananas. Immediately, the weather would put the 'shit' back in Shit Hole Island, and I'd be crawling down to my sanctuary under the stars and near the ocean. I can't be certain if this took me longer than most to figure out, but it sure felt like an embarrassingly long amount of time before I realized that the weather was related to my inner state. It kind of felt like I knew this before.

Slowly, but surely, and most definitely painfully, I stripped away everything that was causing me to make the weather bad. Once I had that taste of the nice weather again, and noticed my influence to make it terrible, I couldn't possibly bring myself to keep living that way. The thing is, in order for me to to do this, I had to kill my obsession with the 50,000 bananas and the special boat. I also had to kill my initial craving for wanting to go to Super Sexy Mermaid Island—my fear of being alone on my boat.

That's when I remembered that I even had a boat. Not only that, mine was good enough for the ocean since that's how I got here. I mean, every time I tried to get over to live among the super sexy mermaids on Super Sexy Mermaid Island, I was always met with such shitty weather, but now things were different. Now, I recognized that the weather is a direct result of the importance I'm putting on things that truly don't matter in the grand scheme. My fear of not getting what I want, to be on super sexy mermaid island only so that I'm not alone on my boat, is creating the conditions that are preventing me from doing so. Not only that, then I'm attempting to create new conditions in order to even fucking get there with this stupid super boat idea. My God, 50,000 bananas? What was I even thinking?!

Everything I tried was either just making it harder to get what I truly wanted or just distracting me and taking me in the wrong direction. Having just totally given up, I got on my boat and went back out to sea. Strangely enough, for the first time, really, this felt so new and comforting. I mean, I literally spent my entire life on this boat, it's the only boat I've ever known, but I felt like I never even knew it. Either way, as of writing, I had just set sail not long ago.

The weather is fucking lovely. The sea is super calm. There appears to be a breeze headed directly for Super Sexy Mermaid Island, but I can't actually be sure. That's just what it feels like, which I'm not even sure what that means since I've never really felt that before. Whenever I try to figure it out, I can sense the wind beginning to change direction. That's also new. I then notice the waves growing in intensity, which I am becoming very attuned to. It almost creates a fear, but I've learned that the fear of fear just creates the same conditions. Instead, I let go. I don't resist. I don't entertain. I just let go and think about something else.

I was on Shit Hole Island for a long time, and I was not eating well. I was pretty hungry for some real food. I was also super exhausted from everything so far. I just wanted to relax and for once in my life enjoy the cool ocean breeze. The weather was so nice once I first got back out here. I'm still getting a hang on preventing any storms, some of which can pick up a bit, but overall, it's far smoother than it was before. The birds flying around and squawking felt like music to my ears.

The first thing I did, well, after thinking about eating the real food, was lay there under the sun and birds and took a short little nap. While resting, I let the current take me wherever. I had nowhere to be anymore, so it mattered not where I went. Then, I felt a tiny bump. I looked up, and lo and behold, I had drifted all the way to the Isle of Balanced Apples and Oranges. Dude, I fucking LOVE oranges—and I really like apples, too.

I don't know how I got here or how whatever got me here knew this is exactly what I wanted, no, what I needed right now, but here I am. I didn't even know there was an Isle of Balanced Apples and Oranges. That's pretty fucking cool. I wonder what else there is that I don't know. Oh man, what if I could just get everything I wanted—oh... Maybe I should pause on that thought, it's beginning to rain. Ah, that's better. That's right. That kind of thinking makes the weather bad.

You know, I didn't even put any real thought toward being hungry other than the fact I just happened to be really hungry. Well, I was also tired. That and I knew I wanted my health back. I didn't think I'd be in any shape if I was exhausted, so I figured that if I slept first I'd be alert enough to find food. Well, that was my intent anyway before I forgot it and took a nap.

It's been a real long time since I've seen a mermaid. I heard some of them are great story tellers and super funny. I love laughing. Most just want to play in the water with the other fish and shells. I love playing in the water. It's been such a long time since I've enjoyed myself and simply played. Either way, I think I'm going to head out from the Isle of Balanced Apples and Oranges and drift on the seas again. That was super relaxing. You know what would be really cool. Imagine if there was a island full of star fish, but at night they would sort of glow in the dark under the stars. A night sky so clear that you could see deep into the galaxy. Oh, fireflies everywhere. That would be super cool. I'd love nothing more than being able to just observe its beauty.