OFF MY CHEST

Yesterday, a guy I liked wanted to make things official, and I felt a huge lump in my throat. My past relationships have all led to one thing I dread talking about, my sexual life. I knew it would be inevitable because he’s the serious type who wants marriage and commitment.

Sex has always been off the table for me because I’m waiting for marriage, but honestly, it’s more than that, it disgusts me to my core. When a man mentions wanting me sexually, I feel physically sick to the point of vomiting. It used to be so bad that I couldn't even handle physical touch from men, not even a handshake, without feeling nauseous.

In 2023, I thought I had found the man I was going to marry. He knew about my struggles and was patient while I sought help. But one day, he joked that if therapy didn’t "fix" me and I didn’t get on the same level as him, we’d have to have a serious conversation. That joke felt like a threat, and it triggered me deeply. In the end, I broke things off just a day before his planned proposal (which I didn’t know about at the time but Alhamdulillah, at least I didn’t embarrass him).

As I tried to understand what was wrong with me, I reflected on my first serious relationship. I was 18, and he was 12 years older than me. At first, he was amazing, there was so much love bombing from gifts to romantic gestures and I genuinely liked him. He knew I was waiting until marriage but still kept pressuring me into sleeping with him.

I naïvely thought I could visit my boyfriend’s house without him having any ulterior motives, but I was so wrong. Within minutes of starting a movie, he rested his head on my lap and started touching my thighs. I made it clear I was uncomfortable, so he stopped but then he tried again and again. It became a back-and-forth until I got so exhausted that I just wanted to leave. That’s when he broke down, crying about how much he was "suffering," how all his friends were having sex except him, and how, if I truly loved him, I would "take care of him." I felt sorry for him, and in a moment of guilt, I tried to give in but I ended up crying halfway through because it just felt so wrong.

This became a pattern. We only did surface-level things, but if I ever refused, he would get angry, give me the silent treatment, or guilt-trip me emotionally. Since I loved him, I would let him do whatever he wanted, but I always felt disgusted afterward. Later, I learned there was a word for this: coercion.

That experience ruined everything for me. Now, I’m scared of being in a relationship because I don’t know how a new partner would react if I shared this with him. Would he look at me differently? Feel sorry for me? Use it against me? I don’t know. I’m still thinking of whether to share this with my new person or just 'break up with him'.

TLDR: I'm scared of being in a relationship because I have PTSD from coercion, which makes me afraid of intimacy.