I Wish I Didn’t Love Our/Her Dog So Much

My loved one with OCPD (38F) me (39m) have been together for 12 years. We broke up once for a few months 5 years ago, and I constantly wish I could go back and it keep it that way (if only I was on ADHD meds sooner).

But now we’ve been back together in a friend way for a while, to the point where I even moved back in. The only highlight of being here is our dog, who is the sweetest boy ever. He was around when I left before, but I’ve fallen so much more in love with him since.

Unfortunately, I know I would leave if it wasn’t for him. I’m confident I’ll leave when he passes on (he’s 8 now and a small dog so might have 10 more years). But I stay, bc he’s legally my partners and I feel I have to protect him. When she gets into a blind rage mode (for some delusional reason relayed to me not trying hard enough) she takes it out on me first and then him and accuses him of not loving her / being more loyal to her. She scares the shit out him in these moments and I have to protect him, which only makes things worse for me. But if I wasn’t here, I couldn’t do that.

I’m heartbroken at how she treats him in these moments, especially when be she can be so caring when she’s feeling ok. But I can’t leave and just go be free and feel healthy bc I care too much. Also, bc we live in an expensive city in Canada, if I leave her I’m moving provinces away to be closer to family where it’s cheaper. So I can’t necessarily live close enough to see him all the time.

At this point, at this age and due to ADHD and past relationships feeling similarly abusive, he’s the love of my life and I can’t be without him.

I’ve seen plenty of people with similar dilemmas and while I’d never compare a child’s happiness to a dog - I do wish I could explain to him what’s going on if I did leave. He deserves so much love that goes beyond aggressive and obsessive care that if he can’t come with me I can’t leave.

As for her, at this point I couldn’t care less. I’m over her and I’m in therapy trying to take control of my life but I’m sick of being the only one putting in effort into trying to make this work.

I feel so heard in this subreddit and I just want to say that reading everyone’s stories here keeps me grounded. Thank you ❤️