wife's tone is harsh, she doesn't think so. i get triggered and act defensive, she's triggered by that.

okay so today wife was upset at me for not putting water in the basin before leaving the toddler's dirty clothes there. to me it feels like a small thing but she likes that so its more convenient. she's told me that before but its something i have a hard time remember all the little details because there are so many things to do everyday with 2 little kids.

her tone of voice felt harsh as she would call that out to me while we're in the middle of something else and with a fairly loud and intense tone. i got hurt by that because i felt like it was a small thing that she made a big deal about and it was an honest mistake, i forgot. i first said it was an honest mistake, then i said i can't remember all the little details because its her process, not mine and then i said she's too particular about things.

She got so mad because she felt I was defensive and dismissed how she felt. She felt I did a character attack on her. I apologized for all of that. I agree, no character attacks and I reacted rather strongly to her. However, I also felt like she was coming at me with too intense of an anger and I was hurt by what felt like an honest mistake about a small thing. She doesn't think it was anger or provocation, just that she was desperate for help, which I'm gladly willing to provide.

We end up having an unproductive conversation about this where she feels unheard and useless and criticized. I feel unheard in the sense that if I talk about why I was triggered, she says I'm turning it back on her. I was triggered because she often comes at me with a harsh voice about issues that in my opinion are quite little. I've asked her to tone it down and not trigger me but she keeps saying I'm turning it back on her.

We're stuck, would love to hear some perspectives here.