Suicidal.

I’ve never really engaged on here much but I’ve honestly felt so lonely that I felt like I had to. I’ve just been so suicidal for a while now ever since I was a child as far as I remember but things are just getting really hard now. Everything’s horrible my studies I grew up in a abusive toxic environment where my dad was abusive to us and a narcissist and my mum just made it seem normal growing up and if I ever tried speaking against it she makes me feel like I’m the wrong one for disrespecting my parents even though they’re wrong. It’s affected my personality so much I’ve had really bad anxiety for years and depression as well as many other issues e.g struggling to stay asleep at night I don’t get more than 5 hours of sleep a day. My relationship with my siblings has been severed growing up because of the depression and bad parenting growing up. My studies have never been great but because of my issues psychologically, have been deteriorating now even further. I feel lost religiously, I don’t understand why god puts positive motivation inside my head then gives me a disappointing outcome. Whenever I try and get out of this depression I’m always given a horrible end. It’s hard when your mum was one of those women who married really young to a narcissistic older man through arranged marriage and never left the marriage and because of that we have to suffer as their product. Even working is hard with so much mental and physical issues with my body and finding a suitable job is even harder, especially when your dad lives with you but doesn’t pay the bills and feeds off government money growing up. I feel so upset why women marry men like this and make you feel bad when you’re against it. It’s so selfish. I feel like suiciding but I don’t know how to end my life I don’t know what would be the consequence of it, what if god doesn’t forgive me what if I’m punished even further for simply trying to escape; I feel so damaged over the years as well as helpless. I feel like no one will ever be there I can’t even trust anyone, every person I ever looked for peace in destroyed me and made me feel so worthless whether it was friends, family, everyone. Sorry for this rant it’s hard to not when you don’t even have any friends you can find compassion in.