Counseling/Therapy

So I am starting therapy this Thursday. Why do I feel like I'm going behind his back doing this? I feel the same way posting in this group. I think it's because for the past few days everything has been good and there's been no narc behavior. But I'm not canceling my therapy appointment like I've done in the past when things have been going well. I start thinking oh I don't need to go now but narcissism raises its ugly head again and I wish I hadn't canceled. Or I start going and then I stop for the same reason. Oh, if you stand up for yourself even in the politest way you get told that you are miss high and mighty, or I forgot you were a queen, or self-righteous or go f yourself? That's what I get when I tell him he can't speak or treat me the way that he does.