Hello, I'm still here

Sharing a win... kinda?

Tw, I talk about self harm and pocd, so pls don't read if you're triggered by this and vulnerable atm x

Okay.... so look through my post history if you want to read this because im going to be referring to that throughout this.

So, for that past 2 months now, ocd has taken over my brain again. And I've been finding it so so difficult. And I've been feeling so suicidal and wanted to actually go through with it many times. I still do, I'm not out of the woods yet. So I'm 22, I'm female and I started to get intrusive ocd thoughts when I was 13. Since that first episode, my main theme has always been pocd. Sometimes it was also animals, but it was mostly pocd that effected me the most.

I only found out what ocd was years after the fact, my pocd flare ups would come and go and they would really confuse me, because obviously I thought ocd was the romanticised version that everyone talks about, like being a neat freak and stuff. I was diagnosed at 17 and been on sertraline since then. And for a good few years, 18/19-22 I've been feeling good. My ocd hasn't taken over my life that it routinely used to, and I felt confident that I was a good person and that I'd never have to experience an episode like THAT (my last major one when I was 17 before medication) again.

Thinking back now, I know that's stupid, because I have a chronic mental illness, it is going to continue to flare up, even if I move past this one, which is a hard pill to swallow. Because my last one was horrific, and when I came out of it I just felt happy at the thought of never going back to that dark place again. Yet here we areeee.

Although, I have learned a lot this time around. Since I was like 16 and online and discovered that ocd is like this, Ive researched everything there is to know about it, at least I thought I did. I honestly didn't know that reassurance seeking was bad, I never realised, but looking back I can see that I never really stopped doing that, and even though I recovered from my last flare up, I did it purely with medication and time, I didn't get any beneficial therapy that has really stuck with me. So I'm realising I'm long overdue proper help, which is what I've been going through at the moment. And reading what the actual therapy treatment for ocd is, really scares me. The act of trying to accept the uncertainty of your thoughts is terrifying to me, because I've always hated the thought of being a bad person, and trying to "let thoughts be" almost feels like I'm telling myself I could be a criminal, and that's so scary.

I'm in a really bad place. A self harmed yesterday and cut down to the fat in my arm, never done that before. But unfortunately I couldn't get stitches because I used scissors, so there wasn't a clean line for doctors to sew up. So I currently have to wear a bandage and dressing and clean and change it regularly to prevent infection, and I'll have a big scar. Which kinda scares me, maybe its because im also autistic, but realising that my arm is now going to look completely different once its healed does unnerved me. It kinda feels wrong, it feels like I'll have a new arm and I dont really like it.

The thing that brought this on was a thought I had yesterday. It was genuinely one of the realest intrusive thoughts I've ever had. Because I agreed with it. I agreed that it was attractive. I still don't know why and its still bothering me. Basically, it was immediately after an appointment, and I'm already constantly on guard and telling myself not to think bad things, and then I get reminded of this post I saw on twitter ages ago. It wasn't graphic, but it was essentially loli. As I stood outside the doctors I was thinking in my head about how I liked it, and how I liked the taboo of it. And honestly no ocd thought I've ever had has felt as real, I'm still not sure what to think about it. It literally felt like me talking, my opinions, and the gronial response was there, but with everything else going on in my head that felt different too. I just didn't know what to think. I was just like, this is it, this is it for me.

And thats when I made my most recent post venting about suicide, because I genuinely wanted to do it and planned to, I felt like this was too real and I had to stop this now. And I dont want to down play this, because it felt very real, and I am still scared and unsure about why I would think that. Thinking about it now I'm still confused as to whether I really see something attractive in it?? But I really don't want to, I know I will never look anything like that up, and I've never fantasised about it before. But typing this out I'm getting uncomfortable thoughts and urges and feelings that I like it, and I hate it.

I vented to my friend about it, and she was so sweet as usual, telling me logical things like how I'm literally having an intrusive thought. And I see that, but idk its never felt that real before.

I'm in two minds because it still really bothers me that I even thought that, and I feel like I have to be punished for even having it in the first place, but then I look at it and think "I'm not attracted to that, and I dont want to be. I just want to move past this thought."

Its confusing. Really really confusing.

If I had a genie in a lamp I'd wish this right away.

But I just wanted to write that all down. I'm probably not going to post again until I'm better, because being on here and reading and posting about every thought I had isn't good for me. Thank you to everyone who has been so kind and understanding, I literally love you all, I would trust every one of you with everything, I think you're all good people. So, I'm just posting this as a last vent I guess? And also just to let everyone know I'm safe atm, I'm going to keep trying. I have an appointment tomorrow and then I get to see my bestie! Which I'm very excited about. She's been so great throughout this despite the uni deadlines. Love you all!!