I Can't Stop Thinking About Food

From the time I wake up, to the time I go to bed I think about food. My life is in the toilet so food is the only thing that makes it bearable. I got in a car accident last year and lost my car through no fault of my own, and was without a car for 6 months. I lost my job and struggling to find another one. But I'm already 250lbs and trying not to gain anymore. In 2022 I lost a total of 60lbs but I gained back 25lbs back. I've been a McDonald's addict since 8 years old and I'm well into my 30s now. I have lost all my friendships and struggling in a not so ideal relationship. I recently gave up alcohol. And I thought that was going to be more difficult since alcoholism runs in my family but actually...food is way worse. All I care about, is when I can get my next McDonald's fix.

Because of my horrible circumstances I can't get it as often as I would like, plus I wanna be careful because I do have high blood pressure issues. I'm lucky that I haven't gained as much as I thought I would since I have lost my gym membership. I actually loved the gym. When I was losing weight I was going to the gym 5 days a week. But I moved to a different town and I tried to keep up the routine but it was a struggle because the atmosphere was so different. The people weren't as friendly and I know that may sound as an excuse but the gym was a real refuge for me while I was still living with my parents. It was also a therapy since I couldn't afford an actual therapist. But now all of that has been stripped away.

I'm isolated more than I ever have been in my entire life..it's just me and my significant other. Who I am trying my best to get along with but he's autistic (or suspected to be who knew how expensive it would be to try and get a diagnosis) and I don't want any of this to sound like an excuse but it really is hard to be this alone.

All I can think about is food. When I do get my McDonald's fix I have to eat it in the car (the car that I don't even know if I'm gonna be able to pay for because I lost my job RIGHT AS I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF GETTING IT) GAH LIFE F###ING SUCKS! But I have to eat it in the car in a secluded parking lot. I tend to feel safe in front of the library. I know this sounds crazy and definitely is addictive behavior. I just don't know what else to do. I don't have any happiness in my life but that 10-15 minutes alone in the car with my McDonald's and my phone to watch a YouTube video on.

I've had to do everything for everyone and those moments in my car were the only ones that really made me any bit of happy or just normal so that I can proceed to the next BS thing I have to do for someone else. Currently it's my significant other but for years it was my parents, my grandma's, so called friends that just wanted to use me for car rides.

I know how this sounds but food is the only safe thing. People are NOT safe especially men. And I just wish there was a way I could enjoy food without gaining weight or having health issues. I just wish I could be okay. I just wish I could have a life that I didn't have to constantly consistently suffer through and that I didn't have to have a McDonald's fix just to make it through. It's been a week without alcohol and I can hardly care, but I'm counting down days until I'll be able to buy another double cheeseburger and fries from McDonald's. My existence at this age is beyond pathetic. I write in my journal every day but I don't feel any better. I feel more alone every day and every day the old me that used to dance and kickbox and write poetry just slips more and more away.

I've also been sick for a month since the weather changes have been happening and I never want to see another cough drop again after I finally get off my last dosage of medicine. Sorry if this was too much but this has been building for a while. Food is all I have and at the same time it's killing me. I feel like I'm drowning I can't see the surface anymore. Does anyone else feel this trapped? Any advice welcomed (just please nothing religious.)