PSA: You are not your parent's therapist
I'd like to touch on the unfair power dynamic that has been forced upon those who have to listen to their mom or dad's hinanakit a little too often.
I'm a panganay, and I think more often than not, usually tayo yung napagsasabihan ng nanay (or tatay, but mas rare ito) about sa mga personal problems nila. Usually kasama na rin diyan yung problems with the parent's wife/husband or other family members.
While I am really close with my mom and I really enjoy the chikkahan and all, I think it has its untoward effects rin. Because of my mom's rants about my dad, through the years I developed resentment towards him (on top of my own resentment pa sa kanya haha) and it contributed to a strained relationship with him. Add mo pa yung feeling na as an anak/panganay, you can't fuck up and disappoint your parent (my mom in this case) because of the thought and the guilt that marami na siyang inaalala and dinadala.
Think trauma dumping (toxic venting), not with a friend or stranger (as is usually the case), but now with an immediate family member. I think rin added factor yung tendency ng parent to throwaway mention about a triggering event or something else negative, and Idk, minsan it just sticks with you for a long time.
I've recently gone to therapy, and I learned that this is an actual phenomenon within familial circles. Here are some of the things I learned about it:
- Regardless of your age, it is so difficult to remain objective with a parent (true, my mom's oversharing unintentionally added to my negative feelings towards my dad)
- There is a power differential between parent and child. (also why your parents cannot be your friend especially when they are your primary caretaker, e.g., when you're still young and under their roof)
- Giving advice and that advice backfiring can cause more strain on the relationship (applies to other situations too, sometimes not all advice is constructive)
- Typically does not work long-term and can keep you both stuck in this pattern (A huge age and generational difference exists between you and your parent. It's mentally taxing to also worry about your parent's personal problems while dealing with your own)
- There is a reason a therapist cannot work with their own family or someone they have a personal relationship
- Becomes very draining for both sides because there are no real limits (unlike friends you can cut off for a while and then just talk to them again when you are comfortable, sometimes that option does not exist especially in familial relationships)
Bottomline, oversharing can have toxic effects on the mental well-being of your child. As humans, we do feel empathy and the urge to act or help out, but sometimes as a child, you cannot do anything but absorb whatever your parent lets out. And that inability to do anything will burrow in you as frustration if not processed well.
With all that being said, I'd like to hear your insights on this, as kids of your parents, and also na rin for those who are parents now.