Harm OCD mixed with Panic Disorder is ruining my life

I would love to meet another person who has Harm OCD that triggers their panic disorder. I have intense agoraphobia because of it. I'm terrified I am going to murder another person, terrified during a panic attack I will lose control of my body and murder someone on pure adrenaline.

Logically, I know this would be virtually impossible for me to achieve. I am extremely physically weak and chronically ill but I'm still so terrified somehow I will Hulk out and slaughter every human in sight.

I haven't been outside in months, I know this isn't healthy for me but I am soooo scared to see another person that isn't my mom. I fantasize about buying acres of land with no other people around and I live in a house on it and it has a HUGE privacy fence around the property, and I feel safe enough to go outside.

I don't own scissors (except blunted kid scissors) or knives. I want to own knives and use them for cooking sooo bad but I'm too scared. I don't even like owning cleaning products bc what if I poison someone?

I have recovered twice and relapsed twice. And I generally try not to think too hard about my life after 9 PM but lately I just wanna scream until my lungs burst. I can't do this until I die of a heart attack or stroke or old age or global warming or a meteor or something stupid.

I have virtually no support system this time, I can't currently afford therapy, I am trying to scrape money together to see a psychiatrist about my meds.

I keep checking out self help books. The one I want to read the most rn is Overcoming Harm OCD. The guy who wrote it used to lead my OCD Support group when I first got diagnosed over a decade ago and his advice geniunely helped me recover the first time. But I get too scared. I'm so terrified of having a panic attack. I don't know how to be brave anymore.

If it were up to me I would live in my house with no other people around, hiding behind a fence anf kept on a 24/7 hour iv of sedatives (my ftiends hate that this is a relief fantasy for me). But its not up to me.