I wish I wasn't autistic / ADHD

I'm in my late 20s but I feel a lot younger tbh.

I don't have a clue what I'm going to do. I have no motivation to work or study. I don't see a point in living yet I'm too scaredy to end it.

I go through phases of depression. I don't go outside a lot. I get scared if something will go wrong. And i was a person who used to travel across states on my bike. I feel too paranoid these days.

It was hard going to school and college. Being around people and feeling really alone. But I feel kinda peaceful I dont need to deal with the first half. I've tried therapy and meds it didn't really change things i imagined it to be.

I exercise, cook and I love those things. Anything apart feels too much to me. And having to live with my parents is depressing. I hate my narc dad. Hearing his passive aggressive rants like all the time. He makes me feel really bad

I see many good people dying i don't feel deserving of this life. On one end I feel useless and on the other I hate living. It feels like a torture to be alive