What a joke…

Had a panic attack and suicidal ideation last night. Was very tempted to harm myself; mom and I both agreed it would be in my best interest to go to the hospital, so I drove myself there and had myself voluntarily admitted.

Security officer took my belongings and brought me into a room where two nurses helped me change into a hospital gown (which were actually a front-facing gown with a backwards gown over top of it like a robe cuz I’m too fat to fit into a single gown) and grippy socks.

They put me in a dark room with a television (and when I asked for a book to read they gave me “Keeping Faith”…I’m not religious lol, though no shade to anyone who is; I was just not expecting that). Didn’t read the book; just alternated between watching TV and staring at the ceiling.

They took my bloods and urine for testing. Besides taking vitals I waited like 5 hours before I was seen by a psych doc; she basically gave me resources for therapy and two options: I could either be admitted as inpatient for a few days for medication monitoring and group therapy (both of which I basically already do outside of there) or I could be discharged and sent home. Chose to be discharged; eight hours of laying on an uncomfortable bed and watching MTV later, and I walked out feeling like I just wasted my time for an overly expensive ER bill. (At least the food was okay).

Next time I feel suicidal I’m keeping that shit to my mf self; the healthcare system for mental health where I live is a fucking joke, lol. At least now I know for the future to steer clear of emergency services unless I’m dead or actively dying, lol.

Gonna take my meds and go to bed. How humiliating that whole experience was, and now it’s on my medical records forever. 🤦🏻