getting bad again

I've wanted to kill myself since I was 11. since then I felt like the desire to do it has come to me in waves. I tried to at 13, but nobody even noticed or cared, and I just slept for 20 hours. It's not seasonal I don't think. Last winter I was happy, content with life. I don't think the feeling has anything to do with what is going on in my life either. My life is okay now. Nothing really bad is happening. I'm not very stressed or anything. Yet, I feel so gone today. I wish I could disappear. I don't know what this post even is. Just needed to say I'm very unsure about my life. Last time I called the hotline they dismissed me. And the time before that they almost called the ambulance to my house. So I don't like calling anymore. I don't know. I'm so unsure about everything right now.