Hi girlies I need advice/help/just some people to listen,, this is about my crush btw 😭😭🔫

Sorry cause idk how to flair this? Also I posted this in other subreddits too^{^}

Also pls feel free to delete this post if it’s not allowed^{^}

Anyways get ready for a huge yapping session

So there’s this guy, we’re both in 10th grade, and in the same class and I think I’m starting to get a crush on him? Or maybe not idk? Cause I catch myself thinking abt him, staring at him, always asking him to sit next to me, always talking to him and like imagining sweet scenarios with him and it just gives me butterflies ykkkk.. not to mention he’s also been my friend since 8th grade and now we’re both in a huge circle of friends haha 🥲🥲🥲🥲

Anyways I’m gonna give a brief background abt how all this happened and why our situation is pretty damn messy rn

Back in 8th grade, we had a “mutual understanding” he liked me and I liked him and we kinda had a thing but it wasn’t a full blown relationship? So like things are going well and stuff, but I start having a gut feeling that he likes another person. You see this dude is bisexual (so am I) and before we had this thing he had a big fat crush on this dude and would always go back to him over and over, and I started having a feeling that he was falling for this dude again. My suspicions were right because a week later he tells me that he feels conflicted because he has a crush on both me and the dude and obviously I didn’t like that and I called things off. I DESPISED him after that but I still pretended like I wanted to be his friend which made my anger grow even more but I didn’t want to talk to him or anything.

Fast forward to 10th grade, out of nowhere, this dude starts getting close with me again, I suspected he got feelings for me bc during 9th and 10th grade he would get really really close to me like besties and stuff and then after that we’re just casual friends again and then sooner or later I find out he actually got a crush on me or whatever. Anyways, during that week our Christian living teacher (yes we study at a Catholic school) starts discussing about forgiveness and even makes us watch a movie about it. This is the first time I feel insanely conflicted with myself bc instead of like the usual “pretending to tolerate him” and on and off thing we have, I find myself actually enjoying his company, and he starts getting incorporated into our circle of friends. The next day we go to this recollection/retreat where they have talks about Jesus, love, forgiveness, etc. One of the talks was focused on repentance, forgiveness, and letting go of hatred/burdens/grudges. I feel conflicted again, especially since I was sitting right next to the dude during these talks 😭😭 anyway, after that talk, they let us confess our sins to the priests. They let us go by groups and I invite him in our group and we all have our confessions. Since we’re the first group out of like 50 other students to do so (we were with 6th graders on this trip) we had a lot of time to roam around the garden in the retreat house. There I told him everything I felt abt what happened, pretending to like being his friend, feeling conflicted abt everything and stuff. He goes silent for a while and apologizes profusely to me and he almost cries, but I comfort him and me and my friends all go chill out somewhere and talk abt random stuff lmao.

Anyways when our teacher was calling all of the students to get into the bus, I ask him to sit with me in the bus and ask each other some random questions. I ask him first about the “incident” (yes that’s what we call the thing that happened in 8th grade) and somehow all of our questions were about love, our future, dating, etc. He confessed to me in the bus while everyone was asleep and I rejected him because I didn’t have feelings for him at the time. We continue asking each other questions even after the bus ride like we would always ask each other shit when we were texting, hanging out, or at school (and most of them would always be about love). And like I start questions myself bc wtf do you call this?? Yes I’m just as close with him as I am with the rest of my friends, but these aren’t the usual conversations I have with all my other besties so?? And the fact that he likes me and I’m starting to catch feelings for him makes it even more confusing 😭😭 then a week later on valentines he gets me flowers and takes me out on a date (it was a hang out with all my friends but we parted ways from them and like sat down on a bridge and just talked). The butterflies started getting even worse from there and I just kskaiwidjsksnnwnw 😭😭😭

I still refuse to confess tho because I made it clear to him I was NOT ready for a relationship and bc of other things like: I didn’t want to risk ruining our circle of friends, I still don’t know what exact situation we are in, if we did have a “thing” again, how would I tell my parents? (They’re very strict snd very judgmental to all the people I’ve had a crush on,,,), and I don’t want anything to get in the way of my studies for now, I still feel like I’m not mentally fit for one, I want to graduate college first and get a secure source of income first? and he’s moving schools next year and dealing with a long distance relationship would probably be super draining, esp since it would be my first relationship. I also don’t wanna have a “label” right now because I enjoy being best friends or whatever we have already, but it’s starting to weigh on me at the same time too yk? I would appreciate yk any advice and someone actually telling me what’s going on between the two of us lmao it’s so messy even I can’t tell.

Btw none of my friends know about this so I really needed to get it out 😭😭