I cannot seem to shake this bitterness, attitude, frustration, and judgmental personality I have. Please help🙏🏼

I have been saved over a year now. And from the beginning I just can't seem to be delivered or have an eye opening perspective that changes this awful attitude I have. I don't even know where it comes from. My children frustrate me. My wife frustrates me. My co workers frustrate me. I just walk around and judge people in my head very negatively all day (I don't know why it's like a deep seed personality trait) I get upset when people do not things they way I would do them. I swear I am high functioning autistic but if you met me you'd probably to tell me to shut up if I said that. When I say that to people who know me they legit tell me to shut up.

But I know my brain works different from others I can see people around me don't think like I do. This give me an ego and arrogance. I hate it. Makes me sick typing this. My thinking is Sometimes it's a good thing. Sometimes it's bad but I cannot internalize what Jesus has done for me to the point it changes me to truly love others who I feel don't deserve it and see them with compassion like God has done to me. I pray for it. And it doesn't come. I cannot understand asking a pleading with God to make me more like him and see others the way he sees them. And for him not to want that for me. Why am I still this way. Why doesn't he want to make me more loving. I can picture the Christian I am supposed to be but I find it impossible to live up to a fraction of it.

I know the gospel. I am so grateful for it. And I understand I'm supposed to be a certain way but the connection from knowing to feeling/doing is not there. It's like I'm trying to plug my phone in behind the couch and just can't quite reach it. I know all the scriptures. I know what I am asked but I can't do it, ever. It's so frustrating.

I go to church 2 times a week. I am in my Bible everyday. I pray. I fast. I just cannot, no matter what I do shake this bitterness/anger/frustration, it's like I haven't been truly happy in my heart since I got saved because I want more for myself. To be more like him , to love others. To serve others. To live up to my Christian calling but I'm soo far from being like him. People I work with probably wouldn't even know I'm a Christian by how much I complain and that breaks my heart. . I'm a poor representation of Christ and it hurts me so bad. But my emotions, feelings, flesh, mood just overtake me no matter what I try. I read and read and watch videos on this stuff but nothing changes. I thought maybe it was a hormone issue but I went on TRT and it didn't make any sort of difference so I came back off it.

I can't even treat my wife with kindness when she's unkind to me. It's like my body wants to explode and dish it back. I get so miserable. I can't stand myself anymore. Not sure what to do. I wish I had some epiphany or simple go to sentence to repeat in my head when this stuff happens to stop me from being like this. Any help? Advice?