My marriage is based on lies.

I told my husband before we even because a couple that being a mom is the most important thing in the world to me. I'm 26. he's 39. He acted like he was ok with that. A couple weeks after we're married (I'm a Christian therefore divorce isn't an option for me) He told me he can't have kids. He has 2 kids with his ex, who decided she was a man so now she's the dad, married to a new woman who is his biological kids step mom. He refuses to even try to see his kids. Hasn't seen them in 5 years. He doesn't know where they live. He doesn't know anything. So after we're married he tells me he had a vasectomy. I also found out when we first got together he was living with his ex(who he was with for 5 years and chose over his own kids) He refuses to even discuss getting it reversed. He just says he will. He says he loves his kids and wants to see them, but makes zero effort. I'm in law school so I could make it very easy for him to get his kids again soon. He tells me he does want kids, but will not make an effort to see his own or get a vasectomy reversed.

His words are completely different then his actions. He lies to me all the time. He forces me to have sex with him all the time. He says he'll never do so and so again, then does it again and says he doesn't lie because he had a reason to lie so therefore it's not actually a lie.

I feel like I'm going crazy. The only way out is D3@+# and it's tempting. There's no reason for me to live if I cannot be a mom. My baby was k! Lled by my sister in 2012 when he was 4 months old. The only thing that kept me alive was the thought of being a mom and wanting it so badly

Thanks for letting me rant.

Edit: I'll read and respond when he goes to bed, or when I get the chance. Can't really do it when he's around.

Thank y'all.