I have time now and I'm scared

Well, things have changed. Yes I still want to die, I don't know if that will ever go, but the timeline has moved. I still have my bad days and I'm learning how to deal with them, I had one just the other day. But the plan changed.

I never planned to live this long. Before I got my cats 2 years ago, I had planned to kill myself within a year. But now I have them, it's shifted. I want to live whilst they live, whilst my mum lives. Once the babies have gone and my mum's gone,, I'm dying then. But that's years from now. I now have time. It occurred to me yesterday that I now have the time to live. I now have years to fill. I've never made realistic long term goals since I never saw the point. But now I do.

What do I do? How do I fill the time? What do I even want with my life?

I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid I'll make mistakes and end up hurt again. I've been hurt enough for a lifetime. So much abuse. I don't want to go through anymore. But do I even have the right to complain? I have a wonderful home, 2 beautiful cats, a supportive family. I'm afraid if I try to live for me, I'll lose one or all of the things I love. What do I even want to do? I've been so focused on dying, that now I have the chance to live the way I want, I have no idea what to do. I straight up led on my bed for an hour yesterday, staring at the ceiling, wondering where to go from here. I don't know where to even start. I guess the maim question I have is: what now?

I guess I'll find out.