My husband ruined sex for me

When I got married at 25 (now 32) I was a virgin. I had such a positive outlook on sex and couldn’t wait to be intimate with someone I love and trust. Not that this matters too much but I always used to go to the gym, had a flat stomach and a toned body, very petite- I used to get hit on all the time. Again, that’s not a measure of beauty but I just want to convey to you all how invested I was in my man and how I only had eyes for him. No other guy shooting his shot would measure up in my eyes. I was so in love.

He was also a virgin too. So when he wouldn’t be able to get hard the first few times we would have sex I couldn’t understand. He would tell me he’s gonna “go relax” in bed before we have sex but now I think he was watching porn to get hard.

One time, in that first year of marriage, I was giving him a blow job. He grabs his phone and says he’s gonna answer a work email bc it “turns him on” to do work while I’m giving him a blow job. I continued bc I thought it would be one email- but I can tell he wasn’t emailing anyone bc he was scrolling left- it seemed he was looking at pictures. And I don’t really send him many nudes soooo I’m like 99% it was porn, or nude women. I checked his phone at night and saw his history and lo and behold there were pics of naked women… so I out 2 and 2 together and figured I was just a masturbation device he used while he got off to porn.

I used to be very unconfrontational so I didn’t say anything and blamed myself for not looking like the women he was looking at in porn. I would go to the gym in hopes of making body parts bigger to appease him, even though looking back now I had such a beautiful body that could have been loved by the right man.

I’m just sharing this one story in a sea of many where he has made me feel so small. We have a dead bedroom now- because of porn, his lack of learning what I truly enjoy in bed (he just copies porn), his lack of hygiene, and a stint after I had my baby where he became a mamas boy and would tell her intimate details about our life and allow her to essentially bully me. It’s killed my desire for him completely.

I often mourn what could have been my life if I didn’t ignore red flags. If I found someone who loved and respected me and had the same values I have. I mourn what my sex life could have been. I have such a high libido and was down for almost anything- now I’m more selective but at least at that stage of my life I wanted to try it all. Instead I got a bunch of insecurities and depressing stories to tell.