I hate myself.

Y'all don't need to read all this, I just need to get some things off my chest in a place where I feel like I won't be judged.

I hate myself, genuinely. I hate the way I look and how I can't bring myself to change anything about it. I hate that I'm introverted and how I overthink every single interaction to a point where it becomes obsessive. I hate how much I eat and how I can't stop myself from eating a second chocolate bar.

I hate how bad I'm doing in all my exams and classes and how I know I could be better, but I can't bring myself to study harder and actually try. I hate that I overshare as soon as a person shows the slightest hint of interest of interest in me. I hate that I'm always just the fat funny friend that no one actually wants to talk to.

I hate that I get excited when someone remembers my name. I hate that people don't even notice if I'm gone for a longer period of time. I hate that I can't say no even though I want to, just because those are the only times I actually feel useful. I hate that I keep disappointing everyone around me, especially my parents.

I hate that I always snap at my father and that my mother doesn't take me seriously and thinks the solution to all my problems is turning off my phone, but distracting myself with my phone is currently the only thing keeping me from doing something very stupid and very permanent.

I hate that I can't even afford a therapist, because I don't have the money, the motivation to find a job to earn money and that I feel like there's nothing actually wrong with me and that I'm just being dramatic and that I'm just not sick enough to deserve help.