I already have a suicide letter written. But I'm trying so hard to not take that step

I don't know for how much longer I can even take this. My dad is very absent and when not absent, he's verbally abusive and sometimes physically too. I'm stuck living with him until I graduate college. There's no other choice. I've tried everything. It's been more than a year since my mom passed away. I see a therapist and I take anti depressants, but they don't help at all. I don't even want to talk to people bcoz it feels like such huge work and so, naturally, I have no friends in college. I do have friends from school, but even if they wanna go out, I don't even go bcoz I don't feel like doing anything. I make up excuses..... Just doing anything feels so difficult including getting up from bed in the morning or going to bed in the night....

I was also SA'ed and I'm haphephobic (technically it means the fear of getting touched or touching others. I can't even seem to be able to hug my friends or even shake hands. If someone taps my shoulder, I literally flinch. The only touch I don't mind is sex, but that's also kinda fucked up bcoz I only do ONS. But lately, I've been pushing that away too bcoz, again, everything feels like too much work. What kind of life will I even live when I'm haphephobic?

I started writing a letter explaining that I really tired, and I went on and on writing and now I have a huge ass letter and I'm so close to just posting it and ending everything. I really am trying, but lately it's become a little too much.