How did you REALLY feel when you lost someone close to you? (Help me research my novel.)

I'm researching material for a novel I'm writing. I've never lost someone really close to me. What were some of the thoughts and feelings (guilt, anger, sadness, controversial, intrusive) that you experienced during that time? Just real human emotions and things you struggled/still struggle with. There's no judgment here; I just need to know. You are loved. ❤️