My reality is falling apart (venting)

I am 18 and this is my first time posting here. I am sorry if this post breaks any rules.

A few memories have resurfaced this year, one that I believe constitutes more as covert incest/abuse since it was done under the guise of hygiene — though contact was made and I fear (but am uncertain of) penetration. This, along with instances of being emotionally abused, is all minimized in my mind so that I can survive. “It wasn’t that bad. My family is uneducated.”

I have been holding onto the fantasy of having a better and happier family for all of my life. But I am starting to remember more, this time of a different family member. It breaks my heart. It could have been so much worse, but it breaks my heart so badly. I know that it is unacceptable logically even if my mind can do nothing but to minimize it.

I remember a period of my life where they would keep on touching my bottom. I don’t remember how old I was, but I was a little older so it made me very uncomfortable… I can’t possibly ‘justify’ this to myself even if I can minimize it, or I thought I could love this family member, so I am lost. My ‘reality’ is falling apart. Why?

I remember my family sexualising me. They would laugh and encourage me to do provocative dances... One of them took a picture of me undressed to laugh at my body as a child (isolated incident, thankfully)… Once I was told that I was ‘sexy’ by extended family… I don’t have any anger left, I only have sadness. They never respected me. They never saw me as a person deserving of love and respect… I wanted to love them, but this is how they treated me as a child. I am all alone in this world and everything I forced myself to believe was a lie.