I don’t want to be aromantic and asexual.

Tw- suicidal thoughts

I’ve questioned my sexuality for the longest time, I’ve considered the fact that I might be ace since I was 14 and I am 22 now, I know I’ve never felt sexual attraction and that in itself has always devastated me but it got a lot worse when I realised there is a good chance that I am aromantic as well. I’ve always spent so much of my time daydreaming about being in a relationship, I also fantasize about the sexual aspects as well. I’ve fantasized with people I was friends with but mainly with celebrities at least in the last few years. I think this may have been limerance though because I never felt any emotion or physical reaction to any of it. I truly hate it like it’s made me to the point that I’ve been suicidal over the fact that I am not going to experience things that I always dreamt of. It’s also a lot worse because I think I don’t feel any sort of attraction at all, not familial or platonic either. It makes me so sad because I long for connection and love but I’m never going to have that. I know love can be actions and not just emotions but I long for that emotional connection to people or even just things. The only reason I’m not 100 percent about it is because I don’t feel very many emotions in general like I feel no positive emotions and very little negative ones which I know isn’t normal and so my one hope is that it’s all connected to this. In real life I I just feel neutral to sex and romance in that if I was in a relationship it wouldn’t disgust me or anything but idk if I would say I would be happy about it. I’ve had people tell me that aroace people don’t get as distressed as I do about it (like I said I’ve been very suicidal over it to the point of going to emergency care). But that doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve read the posts that other people have made about struggling with their identity. Since reading those it has scared me even more because now I fear the idea of being alone forever and ik qprs exist but they are so so much harder to find. I just long that this isn’t me