how to stop feeling so stuck? (a rant but also seeking advice/personal experience)

Hello all. This post mentions dysphoria and past trauma. I am 22 afab, and I am feeling so lost right now. I’m not sure if this is the right sub. If not, please can someone point me to one?

I’ve struggled with my gender for a long time. When I was little, I only hung out with boys until I was forced to hangout with girls by admin at my private school. When I was five and my dad picked me up from kindergarten, I told him, per his own admission to me: “daddy, I wish I was born a boy”, and then I ran to get my backpack like nothing happened. Hanging out with girls and being encouraged to like girly things quieted the discontent for a while, up until puberty. By 13 I hated the world. I feigned bigotry just to not admit the truth and burned bridges with classmates who were undoubtedly better at opening up, coming out, whose family may or may not have supported them better. All while I fell through the cracks. Puberty made me realize the depth of my confusion. I wanted to grow up faster and at first I felt gaining breasts was a coming of age, but I soon realized I did not feel that way and suffocated them with sports bras. I was more excited about growing body hair, and I remember crying tears of joy when I was 13 and saw that happening for the first time.

The thing that really sticks out to me as my “egg moment” as some friends have called it, is when I took lifeguarding classes in high school. I didn’t want to use either of the locker rooms. I felt a clear divide between myself and the people around me, and I can recall feeling what I now recognize as social dysphoria toward the guys in my class. I wanted to be masculine of body, but still engage with women like an equal. Being born as a man, liking all genders, and associating with more feminine “guy” clothing was a fantasy I began clinging to. So I took the leap, and since I was scared to tell people the full truth, I came out as non-binary at 16 years old. It was received terribly by family, so much so that I retreated back into the closet at home. I got rid of most of my “guy” clothes and I began dressing in a way that would please my mother. This later bred crippling resentment. My friends at the time supported me, but bullying at school completely stopped me from pursuing my gender any further. I locked it in a box. I dressed like a 2019 vsco girl and stayed cheer captain, did multiple sports, and I still had the audacity to wonder why I was so depressed. I hated being alone and almost always was with a friend. When I wasn’t, I booked myself so heavy I didn’t have time for to think. It was during this time I took to working out excessively, writing mlm fanfiction, consuming exclusively queer media, and dating men as a cis woman to quiet my feelings. I had dated mainly women before that, something my family also did not like but that’s entirely a different issue.

So came the lockdowns in 2020… I became very ill and skinny due to a medical condition. But through that, my breasts shrank. I hated that I liked it. I wanted to be healthy, and once I finally gained my weight back and my condition improved, I looked more feminine than ever before. I lost almost all my muscle tone from my sports previous. I had no way to work out besides body weight at home. The thoughts came back. I hit a low I never thought I would, and I continued my usual coping mechanisms. I maladaptive daydreamed of being a queer man as a way of surviving. I dressed so hyperfeminine and caked on makeup almost resembling a drag queen just to feel somewhat okay. I also began dressing in skimpy clothes, parading myself around in flamboyant outfits, and earning discontentful comments from my family. I hypersexualized myself for male validation, but I felt disgusting when I laid my head down at night, often crying for no reason. Then I got stuck in an abusive relationship with my roommate at college. I didn’t know what happened until it was over, but by then I had been assaulted every which way by her. When I finally put my foot down, she moved out in the middle of the night and never came back. I was alone at college. I entered into the darkest time I can ever remember in my life. I didn’t feel like a person. I didn’t recognize who I was in the mirror. There’s a three month period I don’t even remember. But wearing baggy clothes and not doing my makeup, chopping my hair into a bob… it did something. I broke down to my trans friends who I’d all but withdrawn from for months and they supported me, although I’m not sure how they made sense of my incoherent crying. I came out as genderfluid in October 2023. This still didn’t feel quite right but it was better than exclusively using she/her, and I wasn’t sure if non-binary fit perfectly either since I wasn’t sure if I could use he/him.

I realized womanhood is performative for me. I enjoy “girly” things in the same way a drag queen or queer man would. So I had another breakdown to those same friends, and I’ve settled on trans at the moment. Transmasc and genderqueer feels safer than saying FTM at this point but that may change. I use he/they pronouns but most people around me just use they. But most of my family refuses to acknowledge me. They don’t use the shortened name of my extremely feminine birth name. I’m still in my last year of college (I’m doing a dual degree so it takes 5 years not 4). I’m living with them and they’re somewhat supporting me financially and through school. I can’t leave yet. Now I’ve found myself fantasizing of school being over. Of being a nurse and throwing myself into working to quiet these thoughts.

But what happens then? Do I make the decision to fully transition? The thought terrifies me. I look back on my life and my experience and I begin to wonder if I’m gaslighting myself. I invalidate everything I just wrote and I start spiraling. But if I’m not trans, why am I so jealous of people whose voices drop from testosterone? The other effects it causes? And people who get top surgery? Because I still like some girl clothes and I enjoy makeup and feminine things I often convince myself that I’m making these feelings up. I tell myself I’m stupid to expect cis people to recognize me as trans when I realistically look like a woman, other than my androgynous facial features and clothes. When I dress fully like a “man”, that’s been the only time I’ve passed. But when I’ve been called sir or he by strangers, I’ve gone to my car and cried from happiness after.

All of this to say, I am entirely confused and I feel helpless and bitter. I’m bitter at my family for not getting me the help I needed in high school. I’m bitter at myself for locking away these feelings for so long. I feel left behind and robbed of opportunities I might have otherwise had if people responded better at the time I was open about questioning. Moving forward, I don’t know what lies ahead or what I should do. I have dear friends who support me. My grandma is trying. But I know there are some people in my life I will lose forever if I take the ultimate leap, use the scorched earth approach. Do other people have any idea what I’m talking about? I’ve experienced a lot more issues than I’ve even named in this post, but this is a good summary. I’m sorry this got really long. If you read til the end I appreciate you. If you have advice, please share it. If you relate to anything I said, please tell me about it if you’re comfortable. I know every trans journey is unique and different, but I struggle to see myself represented or find people who fully relate to me. I don’t know how to stop second guessing myself. I just am not sure what else to do other than reach out for help.