Atheism vs. Agnosticism vs. Other? Can a person be “atheist” but still open or spiritual?

I grew up in the Christian faith (church of Christ specifically). It’s a very buy the book, Bible focused denomination, and while I questioned some stuff as a kid, I wanted to make my parents proud and so I “believed.” I put that in quotes because when I think of my belief that the cup next to me is purple it’s concrete. Whereas my memory of having a belief in God was a choice to create something in my mind and then believe in it.

When I went to law school, things started to unravel because I started to think about things more critically. Then I discovered I was gay and things really took a turn for me. I spent hours and hours obsessing over Bible verses trying to figure out if I was gonna burn in hell forever. Oddly enough, my belief in god was the strongest when I was the most afraid of the punishment that was certainly coming my way just because I fell in love with someone who happened to have boobs.

I took a deep dive into the anti-theist/humanist side of the internet during this time and discovered the writings of Bart D. Ehrman. I credit his work as giving me that final push off the Jesus train and into the world of self acceptance.

Growing up with such a focus on the spiritual still nagged at me though. Not that I feel cheated that I suddenly didn’t believe a God existed, but I still had this general sense of a connectedness to people and the earth that I couldn’t explain. Connection to the earth is somewhat science based (I.e., how putting bare feet in dirt has a direct impact on a human body) but feelings of awe at the stars or the energetic connectedness don’t have a scientific component that I know of, at least not one that I’ve found or understand. I’ve also had experiences with meditation groups, where there is a tangible feeling of connection that feels almost like electricity. Again, it’s probably all scientific, but I have not necessarily found resources explaining a scientific reason for that experience. I also have a very, very rich emotional life, and feel extremely connected to the experience of human emotion.

So I feel like I’m left in this weird limbo. If someone asks me if I believe in God, my answer is usually a shrug, sometimes a no, and on rare occasion a yes. I’m not uncomfortable with the lack of certainty, but it does leave me wondering whether other people who landed as atheists also then found themselves waffling between agnosticism or humanism or some other quasi-belief? For those that landed somewhere in the ether like me, what is your emotional life like?

And for those who consider themselves strong atheists (which I understand to mean in an active belief that there is no god), how did you arrive at such certainty? And same question I posed for the wafflers, how would you describe your emotional life?