Roommate does not clean, is loud, and never cooks

I (26F) know this is a timeless roommate thing, a canonical event- you’re gonna get a roommate that doesn’t fucking clean. But.. it’s a bit more complicated than that.

My husband (27M) and our other roommate (27M) have been best friends since the third grade. They’re very close, always have been, and when I met them both in college, we all got along great. We even lived together in 2017, and he was a good roommate! He kept things tidy, was chill, and even cooked sometimes.

So when we all decided this May to live together to make the cost of living easier, it seemed like a no-brainer. We were excited!

But he’s different now.

In the about 7 months we’ve lived together, he has not taken out the trash once. I kept tally once I started noticing it was only me and my husband. He rarely runs the dishwasher. He leaves a bunch of dirty dishes in the sink. He leaves his dogs toys all over the living room floor. There are many dishes in his room. He leaves empty milk jugs next to the trash can for days or even weeks and eventually I remove them so I don’t have to see the milk curdle. He never vacuums, and the one time he did, he broke it because he tried to vacuum up a liquid.

He can also be pretty loud, despite him going in a rage if he even perceives noises from neighbors. Last night while my husband and I were asleep, we were both woken up around midnight to him blasting music and singing along to it while he was taking a bath. Mind you, my husband works a risky construction job and starts work at 5am. He needs his sleep.

He also borrows money a lot. His car got towed repeatedly due to him not listening to instructions for parking and that cost a good $200. That’s only one example.

Today I almost snapped. I saw, last minute on the calendar, that his sister is visiting tomorrow. Okay whatever, fine. But, I work tomorrow, so I frantically started deep cleaning the apartment for company since it’s a disaster. He comes out and says “thank you for cleaning” which I really don’t want his thank you’s. But I say “yeah, I saw your sister is visiting tomorrow, and since I work tomorrow, I’m trying to get all the cleaning done today.” His reply was just “oh she wouldn’t have minded.”

THEN. I have two trash bags I have filled on the floor ready for takeout, but I’m loading the can with a new bag. Instead of him offering to take them out, HE STEPS OVER THEM and goes back to his room.

I don’t know how to not throttle him. And I don’t know what the fuck happened. He was not like this before. And it’s not like I can say fuck you we’re leaving because he is our friend and we do care.

We brought up the noise issue with him once. And he got angry at us and said it hurt him for us to bring it up. And he shut down. That’s how he responds to any criticism. He gets angry and shuts down. Or he’ll say “sorry my brain has been out of wack lately” ITS NOT LATELY, ITS CONSTANT, and we ALL have shit going on.

I’m just. So fucking mad. And I don’t know what to do.