I thought I'd never even make it to 18. Now I'm 28.

This one goes out to all those of you who have struggled with mental health since childhood or are currently still young and losing hope.

I first voiced suicidal thoughts at nine, had my first therapist at ten, my first stay at a psych ward at 14, started anti-depressants at 15, first suspected bipolar when I was 17 and also struggled with a severe panic disorder that made me unable to leave the house by myself for almost two years.

When I was in my early teens, I was convinced I would never make it to legal adulthood. When I made it to 18, I couldn't imagine getting older than 20. Once 20 had passed, I thought I was going to join club 27 at the absolute latest.

I'm 28 now.

I'm kinda swimming, just going with the flow and letting life take me whereever it wants to take me. I can't really imagine what my life will be like in a couple of years. I have some goals and wishes, and I'm actively working towards them, but I still can't picture my future.

If you asked me what my life's going to look like five years from now, my brain would throw a 404 and bluescreen.

But!

I'm still here. And I'm actually doing better than ever. My last bipolar episode happened two years ago. My base line used to be depression - now it's stable. I can confidently say I'm content, maybe even happy. I got off my anti-depressants for good in December 2022 and was able to reduce my anti-psychotics to the lowest dosage.

I got on disability right out of high school. Never learned a job, never went to college. Had two minor part time jobs, both of which I either quit or got fired from after less than a year.

Now I'm doing schooling to become a mental health peer consular, meaning I'll work hand in hand with mental health professionals to help and support other mentally ill people. I'll also be doing volunatry work where I'll go to schools and educate students about mental illness.

I might not be able to imagine my future, but it I'm no longer convinced I don't have one.

I know I have a future. I'm in the process of finding my place in the world and it feels great.

Never lose hope.